Emotional Eating....and then some

 So after these last two weeks I have figured out two things.

1.     When I am emotional my god can I eat, and it doesn’t matter if its healthy or not, I will eat it. One cookie after another, just line them up and into my mouth they go. Lets face it by that time, the last thing you are concerned about is how many calories are in that, and how much weight did I just put on. No, the only thing you are concerned about at that point is my god what the hell am I going to do when that are no more cookies!!!!!!!

2.     Apparently when I get to that point, people will just give me food just so I stay happy, because apparently I turn into more then a bitch then what I normally am…which is a very scary thought.

Over all needless to say these last two weeks were shit, pure shit and why you may ask, well I will tell you why.  People who shop where I work are CRAZY!!!!! Its like they walk into the store and lose there flipping minds (disclaimer, these words are my own and not that of the place in which I work).  I have had the worst luck with people, I get it, the job that I do I’m dealing with customers that are all ready upset I GET THAT…but in what world gives you the right to walk into MY office and proceed to yell at me???? Or throw a plate on one of our desk at one of my coworks and think that’s ok, AND for the recorded people just because you live an hour away from the store DOESN’T MEAN THE DAMN WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU…. GET OVER IT YOU CHOSE TO LIVE UP THERE…. AND IF YOU ARE LVIGING THERE YOU HAVE MORE THEN ENOUGH MONEY TO COME BACK TO THE DAMN STORE TO FIX YOUR FLIPPING ISSUE…YOU ARE NOT FUCKING SPECIAL YOUR SHIT STILL SMELLS…WE LIVE IN COLORADO GET IN YOUR DAMN CAR AND DRIVE, EVERYTHIGN IS 30 MIN TO AN HOUR AWAY…UGH FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!!!  Sorry I feel a little better now.  So if that gives you any indication of my last couple of weeks I think you might understand that need to eat. With this massive eating that I have done this last two weeks I have also come to the conclusion that the fat that has accumulated around my stomach, ass, thighs, and arms is like a great relationship for some time, its always there…it never leaves your side…latterly never leaves your side its always with you, it keeps you warm in the winter makes you sweet your ass off in the summer time, its great!!! That is until you want to end your relationship. Then it turns into a “stage 5 clinger” it wont go away it just lingers around, gets in your way, its just always there even when you think you have gotten away bam there it is trying to hold on as tight as it can to your hips…oh the irony of it all, this is my life at the moment. On a good note it makes for some good writing material…so you’re welcome. It’s a good thing I have a year well a little less then a year but I have time to get this weight off because right now we are of f to a rocky start.

Well tell next time my friends here’s to less emotional eating and better times

McKnight Out!!!

I"m Back(in the creepy poltergeist voice)

Back by popular demand, and by that I mean the few people who did ready this crazy as blog who need to have something to read again while they are “working” and the fact that I have lest then a year now to get my butt into shape before my brother gets married, and I have to fit into a braids maids dress. I have come back to blog once again. To seek out new challenges and new work out plans, and to boldly go where…no wait everyone woman has boodle gone done this road a time or two, or in my case three or four times. The boodle part is to accomplish the goal that I will set for myself and to never have to travel down this path again…(play dramatic music).  Now I can promise this, there will be weight lose, there will be struggles, maybe a couple laughs from time to time, some tears both of joy, plain and just well I did my very best, but most of all I can promise you this, if you are reading this in hopes you will not see spelling errors and grammatical errors well my friend you are so reading the wrong blog. There will be spelling errors, there will be grammatical errors and the best part of all you will wait to fix them and you might want to judge me on them, and what I can say to that, is it’s a damn good thing this blog is not about how to write, because we would all be fucked.  No my friends this is about over coming obstacles in life, rejoicing in our triumphs, learning how to get back up after we have been knocked down, but most of all its about losing weight in a healthy way, its about me learning about myself become the person I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally. Most of all its away for me to share a little bit of myself with everyone and if I can help someone along the way even better, because lets face it all we need is love…a little support, and lets not lie a little chocolate along the way. Its ok it wont kill you…I mean I guess it can if your allergic to it, then its not a good thing for you to eat it, I would stay away from it. Have some pie or something. Anyway what I’m getting at is its ok to give in a little, enjoy life and what’s around you.

So here it is I’m putting it out there again, starting my challenge with a better goal in mind this time.

I have tell Sept 1^st 2014 to meet my goal right now I’m weighting in at 260 I want to weight 160 so I have 100 pounds to get ride of. Its going to be hard and challenging yet fun and exciting and of course you can’t do anything like this and not have it be life changing.

So here is to the next year of challenges good and bad, there might be some tears, there might be some fat days, but no matter what there will be weight lose.

Tell next time

McKnight Out.

30 & The Boulder Boulder

Hey all,
Sorry long time no write, life has moved into the fast lane full time now it feels like, but I'm OK with that I like being able to stay busy and be on the go. Not a whole lot has changed I"m still doing good keeping up with losing the weight or better yet just maintain the weight that I'm at, but that's OK I know that I just have to keep at it and it will come off very very slow. I did however turn 30 this month....30...I'm not going to lie had a bit of a nervous/stress related brake down at work, the week before I turned 30 I manged to have to big job interviews working way to much to even have time to sleep and eating like crap and I was turning 30, and all of that added up into one big thing. a lot of crying and a lot of eating the one thing that tends to get any girl through any emotional issue ice cream and chocolate and more ice cream.  However in the end I made it through with the help of amazing family and friends and a couple of Drag Queens and some more chocolate.
So here i am 30 now and for some reason I though it was going to be the worst thing ever I'm finding that 30 is not so bad needless to say its all ready off to a great start. I got the job I wanted and I'm total excited to be starting that...I"m not eating as much junk food and looking forward to keep losing the wright and getting total healthy, but most of all I did something that I would never have thought about doing. I walked/ran in the Boulder Boulder this past Monday which in case you don't know is a 10K with two big ass hills that you have to over come and keep on pushing, and I did just that.
 I know for some people it is a just a race, but for me this race meant a lot more then that. Being able to cross that finish line was such an emotional experience. Hell crossing the start line got me a little misty eyed. This race was my way of showing myself just how far I have come and gave me 6 miles to reflect on where I was and where I am now.
2 years ago before I even started this blog I was so unhappy with life and myself where I was both physical and mentally. I was in such a dark place that there was no light shinning in. Then as you all know i got "let go" from my  one job and decide to start on this journey and sharing everything along the way, and all though things were getting better I was still in a dark place but the difference was there was a lot more light shinning in.
Last year I was watching TV and they were showing the Boulder Boulder and I decide that i was going to do this. Now when I told people i got a lot of laughs from people and I really don't think that people thought that I was going to be able to do it, or would follow through with what I was doing. However I did tell two of my girl friends who were all about doing this race with me, and believe in me. Which at the time was something that I needed, because up into the point of registration I think I keep trying to talk myself out of doing this, yet these two girls keep pushing me, and two be honest the day that I registered was the day that I figured out that I can do this for me, and even when people still questioned if I would do it and if I could do it, the simple answer was YES I'M DOING THIS, AND I'M GOING TO KICK SOME ASS!!!!!!
 The day of the race was something that I was total not expecting and yet it was amazing, and I was standing in my wave waiting for that gun to go off it hit me this is it and with a single pull of the trigger the gun fired and it was like the light truly keep braking through more and more, at each mile you get a feeling of accomplishment that keeps pushing you to the next mile and so on, it gives you a bit of strength something to keep you pushing when you feet hurt, when your legs feel like a block of cement when its getting hard to breath, and with each mile marker it was that feeling that I"M DOING THIS, I CAN MAKE IT. I guess really looking at it, with each mile was in some ways just showed that hurdle in life that I have over come, it gave that physical perspective on everything that I have done to that point, and all though i had friends in the race with me and people cheering me on through FB it was still me on this cores, it was me pushing through everything, i was doing it I was accomplishing my goal, I was making this amazing thing happen. Yes i know this is really deep but I had 6 miles to think about everything that was going on and then some. Hell at one point all i keep telling myself was one more mile to go and I can eat...really that is total something a fat kid would say, and it really didn't help that the race runs right by a BBQ joint and the food smelled amazing and all i could think about was running up to one of the tables and asking if I could have a slice of bacon to help keep me going...I know total fat kid thought process. Even through my I want food moment nothing in that race compered to running through that stadium with all those people cheering you on, with that total seance of accomplishment.I DID IT, I FINISHED. it was like that moment of total celerity, that moment when the light broke through everything. The Boulder Boulder may be a race, but it showed me that I can do anything, that no matter what I had the strength to do this. That everything was leading up to that moment, that moment of crossing that finish line. That race gave me the chance to realize that i can do what ever I want to do, I can accomplish what ever goal i set out to have. Some goals my be a sprint and be quick and some might be a 6 mile run, others may be a marathon but no matter what I can do it I can cross that finish line and that is all that matters.
So all though i may have turned 30 and for some that can be the worst thing ever having to check off a new box, but for me 30 not looking so bad because I know no matter what the challenge i can over come it I just got to dig deep and keep on walking to the finish, because in the end all that really matters is that filling you get when you cross the line, that feeling of accomplishment.
So tell next time when ever that might be keep on dreaming, keep on setting goals, and cross that finish line because the feeling you get is worth all the struggle and heart ache that got you there.
Tell next time my friends.
McKnight out.

At the Finish Line 

Over coming temptation

You know those weeks when you are on the go all the time, you think that you sleep but you really don't know because that damn alarm clock seems to go off the second that you put your head down on your pillow, just on the go all that damn time, and you would give anything to just have one drink...a drink of the that sweet dark carbonated drink...call nothing other then Dr. Pepper oh yeah that's right my soda addiction. Saturday was that day that I all I wanted was a soda just to hear that pop of the top and to take a good long drink of that cold carbonated drink, I mean hell the way I'm talking about it you think it was some kind of good ass drug that I was craving. So what drove me to that moment of going to the fridge and pulling out that Dr. Pepper???? Well lets go on a little trip with each other.
As you know I gave up soda and so far everything has been going great really haven't wanted any soda or fast food because i gave that up as well. Then I got a second job, and have been running around ever since and I don't mind this being on the go all the time I'm good with that, and its not really like the last time with my second job where i just total hated life and everything that went with it, so in the over all scheme of things everything is going good. Until this past week and the biggest issue lack of sleep, and you can only have so many Soy Carmel Macchiato before your body just doesn't take to the caffeine hit any more, and for me that day happened on Sat. I worked both jobs that day on very very little sleep and when I don't sleep after awhile i turn in an ass, I don't like anyone, I really don't like to do anything and I don't like to talk to anyone, until around 4 in the afternoon and then I'm good tell 7p.m. and then I'm back to being a bitch. I know this and my family knows this yet very few people i work with has gotten this through there heads, and its all good just might suck a bit for them on those days. So back to the start of my day, I get into my first job and its supper crazy non-stop on the go the whole day, moving things, picking up boxes having to help people who can't make up their minds about what they want, and just people who are pissed at the world and by the time they get to me its like I'm the one who Pissed on there Wheaties that day and they hate me. So that's what I do for the first part of my day, so at that point who wouldn't want a drink just a little something to jump start myself to get ready for my next job. I get off of work and leave that crazy zoo and on weird to my house to pickup my uncle so he can help me with my second job.
When i arrive to my house I find my whole family there and now I really didn't want to go to my second job I love being able to spend time with my family( we are like the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" but we are Islanders) anyway I stop in and say hi to stuff my face of food...did I mention that I hadn't had any food at all that day...if not now you know. After my Hi-Goodbys I walk out of the house and there in the garage it sits the fridge calling to me. As I walk to the fridge and place my hand on the handle I start to justify my actions. I open the fridge and pull out a Cold Dr. Pepper and again knowing that I should just put it back down and walk away I again start to justify to myself as to why I should have it, why I can have it and that its OK for me to have it. I tell  myself know one will know if I have just one, Its OK to give in, Its only one what can it really hurt. I close the fridge drink still in my hand and I get into my car, place my drink into the cup holder and my uncle and I are off to my second job. During are ride I had that drink sitting there just one action and I could be drinking it (For the record I really do sound like an addict).  We arrive to my second job and all is good I didn't open the drink, I didn't take it in with me I left it in the truck.
By the time I started at my second job I was hitting that other point of being tired and just wanting to be home with my family needless to say that was not a very good time there as well. Full of stress, making sure my filters where up and running at full strength so the things that I were thinking were not coming out of my mouth, needless to say just another one of those days at work where you just want to drink when you are done.
Finally we head home and there it sits in the truck that unopened can and again if I drank it who would know, and as I reach down to the cup holders I have a total come to Jesus meeting with myself and grab the bottle of water right next to it, and drink that all the way home. When we arrive home I grab that heathen can of Dr. Pepper and put it right back where it belonged in the fridge with the other sodas.
I did it, I over came my temptation I found that inner strength, I know seems really small but again its the small things that really matter in the bigger picture. That whole just say No yeah it works, but I think that you have to have that understanding that everyone will know if you give in, and all though in the long run it really doesn't matter what other people think, it dose matter what you think and how you fill about what you are doing. For me if I had given in I know that I would have failed myself and I couldn't and wouldn't do that, again little steps to keep you pushing to your bigger goal. It feels total good to fight that urge, it gave me the hope and the want and the fight to push more to the goals I want, If i can fight that, I can fight for anything I want.
On another note I would just like to say while trying on jeans today I managed to squeeze myself into a size 16 buttoned and all that good stuff, all though I had a major muffin top it was the fact that I did it and it felt amazing again small things but working towards the bigger goal.
Until next time Keep over coming your temptations and fighting for what you want.
McKnight out.

Lent...Its a good thing it only comes but once a year.

Well here we go again Lent and another round of no fast food and no soda, needless to say so far so good and this go around I have more temptation to give in to those things that I love so much and they tend to love me so much they stick to my hips, thighs and several other place in between, but I have said no and kept on moving. So how do I have more temptation this go around compared to last year, well my friends I will tell you. Given where I live now there is always and I mean always soda in the house, and I have a case of my favorite soda in the fridge that I walk by and get into every day, and there it sits, staring at me teasing me with that idea of just grab it you know  you want it, I can see it in the way you look at me, you know you want me…ok that total sounds a little dirty but its all good, I turn it down and just keep on walking.
    Then there is the fast food, and again where I’m living now fast food tends to be a norm. For example this morning when I was getting ready for work there in the fridge were two Arby’s sandwiches and damn they looked good to eat and man would it have been easy to just grab and go on my way to work, or like tonight they were going to get Taco Bell, and being very nice I said I would make the run for them and go get food but I was going to stop at Subway for my self…which turned into everyone getting subway so in the end it was all good, fast food stop averted.  Now granted I gave up fast food last year but I think some times you need a little push to get restarted back on track and yes it is a lot easier then it was last year.     Now the Soda we all know my down fall with this damn drink, so if there is something that is really going to challenge me it is going to be the soda, but so far I have kept the course and I have been staying away from it, the down part the caffeine headache I got today. I’m not getting the same amount of caffeine I was when I was drinking soda soooooo the headaches are kicking in. Again total like a junkie having withdrawals good damn time…Which really all that meant was I ended up making a Starbucks run to get my Grande Soy Vanilla Late which by the way tasted amazing and total fixed my craving, for today.
    Over all I’m total kicking butt on this years Lent, and I even have temptations out the butt pushing me to just give in, but I guess this is where were able to find our strength, find out what drives us to keep pushing forward, to know that when this comes to an end you were able to accomplish something, and you get the chance to find out who you are and what you can do. A chance to start making changes to become who you want to be. All though it maybe something small like giving up Soda and Fast food, it normal the small things that help you accomplish the over all goal.

So for all of you who gave up something for Lent, Good Luck and don’t give into temptation it will be over soon J
McKnight Out.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - LETS GO 2013

Hi All and Happy New Year,

    This is going to be a quick post but I wanted to get something out there to kick of a new year. Needless to say I ended the year with not really losing any weight maybe gaining a pound or two but what can I say it was the Holidays and who doesn’t like to eat during the Holidays? So I gave into the temptation of all those amazing holiday treats that we have come to love, and really that we only get but once a year. So as they say on the 2nd day of Christmas sugar gave to me two muffin tops and one giant food baby..ok so I know there are 12 days of Christmas but I figure to be on the safe side I just stopped after two days. So like I said weight lose 0 Food 1 but its all good New Year new challenges and new goals, but to set up my new goals I thought I would do a quick reflection of what this blog and this past year has done for me.
    I Started this blog out as a way to keep me on track to lose weight give me something to look back on when I would lose my way and my drive to keep going forward, never really though any one would read it, really didn’t give all that much though to it. Needless to say I was very wrong with a lot of my assumptions about this who project of mine. Yes I did lose weight maybe not as much as I wanted to but it took 10 years to put it on, so I guess not losing it all in one year is not that bad, but what I was able to find through this last year and writing this blog was ME again, it help me face a lot of my fears and self esteem issues really made me dive into my problems and deal with them, which I don’t think with out this I would have pushed myself to face anything. I found that all though I am a shy person some how I didn’t mind sharing my life my world with others because as I notice the my blog was being read and by not only my family and friends but from people who I have never meet around the world which to me its cool to be able to share my ups and downs with so many, and to know that from time to time I would get feed back from people telling me that my post was what then needed to read that day to keep pushing forward, it help drive me to keep going with what I was doing to know that what I was saying was helping others, and I thank all of you for helping me through this very trying year, needless to say it wasn’t easy but I have learned so much from all of this.
    So with all of this I feel that 2013 is going to be a great year I’m very excited for this year and everything that is has to bring. To be honest I haven’t been this excited about a New Year in well years and years and …. A LONG TIME, but I’m very pumped about this year. I have had that chance to face a lot of my demons last year, I’m living in a new place at the start of this year for once in a long time I have a plan and a path that I have set up for myself, and that is cool its not just some road that someone else has lade out for me or has take and I’m just fallowing its mine and that is for lack of a better word exciting. I have so many dreams and ideas that last year I could figure out how to make into a reality but this year I want to make them into a reality I want to push myself, my though be hind a lot of that now is what is the worst that can happen, it doesn’t work and I’m right where I am today. Fear last year was something holding me back I was so afraid to really push for what I wanted was really afraid to really be me and really all fear does is hold you back makes you stand in one place, and well I can’t stand standing in one place I like to move and see new things, so this year I don’t really have a lot of time for Fear some times you need to just jump and see what happens, the Fear of the unknown can’t hold you back from living your life. Which I total get and understand now. So as for this blog in my New Year I plan on keep going with this I like it, its fun, and really if I stop writing what would you have to read when your at work? Haha just kidding, but really my goal is to keep up with this and keep on sharing, besides you never know who is going to read it and get inspired to do something great.
    Well like I said a short post to kick off the new year, and just think a New Year, New Me, New You lets go and make 2013 amazing.

Happy New Year All!!!!!
McKnight out.