Letting go of the past and looking towards the future

This past week I was on vacation and for the first time ever I went on a trip for me. No family obligations driving the trip and nothing really planned out just a trip for me. I was able to get back up to the Bay to hang out with my EPA Family and as crazy as it may sounds I really needed that time with them and I was also able to bring my friend along that I meat living in Vegas, who I would consider part of my Vegas Family. I never thought that I would build friendships out there that I would consider family, but I have it. I have my "boys" as I call them and to be very honest I'm sure I could write my own sitcom about it....to give you some insight to the house that weekend, It was my self, 7 guys and only one of them is straight, and i'm stilled considered to be Mama Bear of the house, and what i say goes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I total love my boys and the relationship we built while I lived with them when I was in the Bay, and as crazy as it was living in the house there are so many times I wish they were living with me out here. Because who doesn't like to BBQ at 10pm while listing to Mexican Music with the Tiki torches going on the back patio, because we want to make sure we touch on all of our cultures and we can't do anything at normal hours of the day. Any way I got to spend my time with my Boys, I also got to hang out with with several of my peps from work, because who doesn't like having a friend that you can call "guy" all day long, a friend that you can talk about losing weight with eat heathy so you can turn around and order cheesecake after dinner  crack jokes not judge each other and basically have an awesome family dinner, and start making plans for them to come out and visit me out here so we can get into some crazy shenanigans now we just need to find that person who will hold on to our bail money cause shit can and will get crazy Guy! Then there is my BFF if you will, she is like my other half, you know its that kind for friend that doesn't judge you, covers your ass when needed, puts you in check when you are losing your damn mind, and you don't have to talk to them for a while, but when you get on the phone and catch up it like 3 hrs long, because its and Islander and a Filipino getting together to talk, basically we never shut the hell up, we are going to get loud because we are talking in our INSIDE VOICE we laugh a lot and when we are around each other I don't really know why but we hit each other in the arm a lot, i mean a lot like go home and wake up with a bruise and i'm not sure why we do that but we do. Apparently its how we show we care about each other "haha".  All of these people make up my EPA Family and when it comes down to it I wouldn't change a thing about it and about the friendship that we have. I can honestly say this is a group of people who saw me for me while I was out there, and I learned from them before I came to Vegas its ok for me to be who I am, which is something I was starting to forget being out here. Also in the end I had some great memories that came out of that trip, such as I don't normally get up and sing Karaoke, but I did several different times with not a lot of alcohol in my system which says a lot, I mean a lot. It might have been a good thing that most of those people in the Bar might had have several drinks because i know i sounded like a hot mess, i mean on hot mess.  I took my one friend out to SF, and it was his first time ever being there, so we had to do the Trolly ride, and he screamed like a little girl going down the hill which is always funny when the little old asian woman sitting next to him even gave him a what the hell look. We spent over an hour in a tea shop leaning about tea, and about the only thing that we could all talk about was the poop tea and by the way it total tasted like poop too, not like i know what poop taste like but I could imagine that it tasted like that. After our wonderful time up in the bay, my friend and I headed down to SoCal for the day and there is nothing better then spending some time in Santa Monica, I don't know why but for some reason that place holds a special place in my heart and to just be able to sit on the beach and watch the waves clears my head, and it makes e feel small  in a good way. Just to be able to sit on that beach look out over the Ocean and think that I am as far west as you can get in the US from that point with out being on an Island, and when I think like that and how big the Ocean is puts things into persecutive, and for the first time in a very long time I had a though come to me that changed a lot, and hear it is...
about 10 years ago I got into a fight with my parents and my dad made a comment to me, that after I was done with college all i'm going to show for everything is a piece of paper and a little red sports car ( which was my little car at the time), and up until I moved to Cali some how that saying would come out in a fight and any time I wasn't able to accomplish anything I would always think that, the only thing that I would have to show for myself was my car and my degree and thats it, there was nothing more to my life but that. I had nothing to show, nothing to talk about my life was boring and to be honest I was living on the side line. When I sat on that beach I saw for the first time in a long time what I had to show all my accomplishments, that I had so much more then that degree and that little red sports car. I have this life full of amazing people and stories. I have lived in Colorado, Alabama, California and now Vegas. I have been on both East and West Coast, and so many places in-between, I have been to Canada and Europe. I still have a little res sports car, and my degree, I also have a career and work for a company that allows me to travel and see the world if I want to. I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing people along the way. I have strength and courage that I never know I had, and i'm ok with me. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but this for me lead to several other things that happened on my Vacation.
After SoCal We headed back home, and I spent 3 days just chilling at home, got my nails done and just relaxed no plans no nothing just chilling and it was amazing just feeling so happy and free. After being home I headed down to Arizona, to meet up with my parents, I was able to spend some time with my mom and dad which is always great. Its always interesting to look back and to see how much i would fight my parents on things because i knew they were right and I didn't want to hear it, but the great thing is my parents have always been there for me through my really really bad times, my struggles with moving and getting use to living away from the family, they have helped moving my ass around in general...(its when my dad and I get to bond, and my bond it normally means he drives the whole time while i sleep the whole time). This time I got to be there for my Dad as he was presented with an amazing award for Special Olympics and LETR, it was so amazing to be there to be able to give something back to my dad and to be able to show support for him. I also got to spend some time with my mom, and just hang out and just sit and talk with her, and you have to understand that when you sit and talk with my mom the shit she says is going to be real, there is no suer coating anything but its what I need to hear and she helps me see things clearly when maybe my emotions are clouding my judgment and there have been somethings going at work that I needed just that my mom to clear somethings up for me, tell me like it is so to speak. The other cool thing about hanging with my parents is although they are my parents is cool to hang out with them, its fun its crazy when you parents go from being your parents to being able to be cool with and have them be your best friend. I don't know when this happened but it total has happened which i'm starting to think that means that i'm getting old. Which the gray hair and the snap cracking and popping in the morning would also be a sign that i'm getting old, because now days i have to use the side of my bed to push my but up and out of bed and even then when I go to walk i have a limp and I can't total stand up right until i make it to the bathroom, i look like the picture of the evolution of man every damn morning. While I was also down in Arizona I was also able to meet up with a good friend of mine, but this meeting was a bitter sweet moment, there is a long history with us and after this past weekend as much as it killed me I realized that I had to walk away from our friendship/relationship that we have because it wasn't good for either one of us at least not good for us right now. I'm not sure why that day I was able to do what needed to be done, where the strength came from, but I think so much of it came from sitting on the beach and maybe the walk through the botanical gardens that morning but I did it. Needless to say it was the longest drive back home there was  a lot of crying that happened, and yet a lot of healing and letting go of the past, a lot more self reflecting and redirecting my focus. Its crazy because it hurts having to let go of someone close, yet its healing in away to. Ugh there are times that i think my life is to confusing.
However with all this time to sit and think I feel lighter, happier. I have a new goal set for 2017, where I want to be living and all of that, I 'm learning to love me and the way I look bat wings, thick thighs, curves and everything in-between, its all me and I love it. I'm learning to look at work differently and learning that I can't keep changing me to accommodate people who won't or aren't willing to meet me half way, but I'm willing to learn new things along the way to help shape the person i am becoming. I also have decided that I want to focus on running and try to run a 5K so today i took my first step and started training for that moment, which almost killed me but I did it, and not only did I do it but I kept talking myself up that I could do it I didn't quit and I can't remember the last time I did something like that, however i'm going to need that same kind of talking to when i try to wake up and walk tomorrow, I'm just saying.

Until Next Time
McKnight Out.

PS there is a cricket in my house and I can't kill it cause it'd bad luck if you kill it in your house so i tried to catch it to put it back out side, because i have my apt sprayed for bugs once a month, so i'm trying to save this damn big and it jump at me and I screamed like a little girl and jumped up on my sofa. Yup that just happened. Enjoy the giggle.

Gym Time

I have never really been a go to the gym every day kind of a person tell I moved to Vegas. It all happened about a month after me moving here. I was stilling in my apt, I has just finished making dinner sat down on the floor at my little coffee table infront of my tv, because well I had no furniture.. Which is really funny if you think about it, being I work at a store that sales home furnishings.   However I'm sitting down feeling hella low and finally decided that I need to get out and meet people, or just be around people I couldn't sit at my house any more. The next day after I work I went to the gym and got my membership.
Before when I had gone to the gym I had always felt judged by everyone there. You know you go and work out and you see all those people there that are super fit, not every breaking a swea. The guys are all super buff muscles exploding caring around there proline shakes and carrying there gallon water bottles. The girls are equity fit and cut and their hair and makeup are on point. Then there is me, no make up hair a mess, soccer shorts and T-shirt  dripping wet because well I seat for everyone else in the damn place, but my point to this is I never felt comfortable having to do what I needed to do to get in shape.  Then I tried the whole working out at home which was great for about  2 weeks and then my bed felt amazing and their was always a reason why I shouldn't get up and work out. Needless to say I was a chunky monkey, now don't get me wrong I'm still curvy and got some extra loven but this time I'm loven my curves, What's the different you might ask well I finally found a gym that I enjoy working  out in and going to. Leave it to Vegas to finally get my shit together, it's a bit funny that I had to move to Sin city to find myself  I'm sure that there is something to say about that, but we will touch on that another day.
Back to my gym, this place is great I can go and work out any time because like so many places out here is 24hrs the best part about the 24hrs is the different type of people you get to see while your there. In the morning you get the Sinors, who don't just walk all day the bust out lifting weights and to be honest some times put me to shame there just busting out their sets with out struggling and here I am trying to work my triceps being all shaky just thinking one more set and I get to have a strawberry and banana smoothly. So anyway you have that group then you have the group of parents who just dropped the kids off and they are getting in there moment of freedom with no kids and then are in the zone you nothing is going to get in there way this is there time. In the middle of the day you have the people who work nights who just woke up so your hotel works and well you its Vegas so you get some of strippers which not going to lie I see them working and total want a butt like that, then I remember that I'm short and that gob blessed me with big boobs and no butt and it is what it is, and then I go back to doing my squats and prying that I don't blow my knee out because well I'm an old soccer player and one of the few that still has full knees in tacked. Then there is the group right after work and late into the night, this is normally when you see all the really big muscled guys and cut girls the ones that you normally see on TV when they talk about gyms the ones that always made me feel very uneasy at other gyms. Yet these are the ones that I see and get motivated by while I work out, when I can't do one more rep and see them and I push myself. The difference that I have noticed is when they look at people working out who are not as fit. Much like my self they don't having that judging look more of a you got that kind of a look and keep on going. Then there is their late night midnight type of gym people this is normally where I fit in, this group of people is the group that you can tell can't sleep, need something to do. Keep to themselves do what they got to do get in and get out kind of a group. Out of all the time I go to the gym this is when I love to work out 11pm.
11pm its when I head to the gym,  me in my yoga pants and captain America shirt. It's the time that I have found I can dig deep, fight through the pain in my stomach right where my scars are I feel every sit up, every stomach exercise I feel the pull the pain yet I still find reasons to dig deep and keep going. I still total sucks at the cardio, there is still no good reason to run just to run, the stair master who the walks up stairs like that, it's either to damn slow and it's like I forget how to walk or to fast and about 5min in I'm feel like I'm climbing mount Evens and come to find. Out the 5min I though i had been doing, was really only a min and then I decided that nothing good is going to come out of this damn machine. So it's on to the next cardio machine which leaves the bike or the treadmill, so the treadmill it is, I can at least feel like I'm walking up hill and accomplishing something while I'm on it, but lest be real I like the lifting weights more then anything, but still push the cardio shit. It's still crazy though to think, that me of all people like going to gym, find peace and clarity going to a gym and getting a work out in. Sometimes I have to check myself to make sure I'm still me and haven't been swapped out with an alien or something like that. I mean it is Vegas and I'm not all that far away from Area 51...I'm just saying.
Over all,  everything that has been happening, all that has been changing there are something that I have come to the conclusion on:
1. I'm done looking at the number on the scales that's not what matters it's a number and I'm not going to live by it.
2.   Im do worrying about what size pants I wear and always wanting to fit into some smaller clothes and feeling down because I can't .
3. Which I think is the biggest more important one of all, I love my curves, my stomach, my flappy arms I love me, and all of this has come from going to the gym as I work out and see changes and see that yes, I'm sliming down but I'm always going to have curves. I'm always going to be bigger but let's be real my legs are fucking amazing, my arms are coming along, and I have hips again and my stomach well that will come along, but I love food so there are things that are always going to stay a little bit bigger.
it's not always that bad to have a little bit of a jiggle in your step.
Tell next time
McKnight Out.

2 years later....

I guess now is as good as any time to get back to writing.  I know it's been 2 years well almost two years since my last post, life got in the way and some times it's better to live in the moment rather then  sit and write about it.   This whole blog started as a way for me to motivate myself to lose weight, share my stuggles of my weight roller coaster, and yes for the recorded I'm still ridding that ride but will get back to that in a minute. This was a way for me to share that, maybe find ways to help and motivate others and let people know that someone else was out there fighting the same battle. It's take almost two years but I have learned so much about who I am and in many ways how to except me. I guess a recap of the past two years is in order...

Let see where did we leave at... Oh yeah, My nana had just passed away, she got me when no one else could, and she loved me when I wasn't able to love myself. I always kick myself in the ass because all she ever wanted was to see me happy again, and it crazy because it took losing her and two years later to finally remember what being happy feels like. With in the same month of losing her My brother got married to the love of his life, and about two weeks after that, the guy that I was with and broke up with me because he couldn't handle the long distance and was to scared to take the leap and move to Califonia with me, which in many was is understandable not everyone can do what I did. Although I couldn't see it back then, but in a lot of ways us breaking up was the best thing that could have happen to us, no we are not together, but our friendship and love for each other is strong then it ever was when we were together. If anything I have found that some people who come in your life are meant to be in your life, no matter how hard you try to push them away or walk away something always pulls you right back to them, and maybe it's better to except that then to keep fighting. Shortly after all that happened, I moved into a house with several of my guy friends, I think I could have made a sitcom out of it called 3 gay guys and a straight girl. Let me give you a little insight to that one. There was me, one of my roommates who wa the youngest, and not gay, the younger brother to one of the boys. Another roommate who was gay, and then the two others who were a couple and yes gay, and where all Mexican. All living in a well basically a double wide trailer. With 3 bed rooms, that is until we added a room. Needless to say I in many ways ended up being the mom of the group, and all though they drove me crazy from time to time. They ended up being my family out in Bay, and talk about some good memories made. Like our BBQ nights on the patio, walking into the house to see one of my roommates dancing in his underwear with the strobes lights going. Going to Pride and Folsome St fair with them...all thought there are things from both of those events I wish I could unsee. I found, love, family and friends with those boys. They were there when I hit my lows and when things were bad at work, and they were there when I found out that I got the job in Vegas, and all though that moment was bitter sweat they were just as excited for me as I was. In January 2016 I moved to Las Vegas to help open our new store, In May I found out that I needed to have my gal bladder removed, and in June it finally came out which from the sounds of it was a good thing, I guess it was worst then what anyone thought it was going to be. Its crazy, one of my biggest fears moving away from my family was always that fear of what happens if I get sick. Well I guess I figured that one out, I found out how much I can hanedel and take care of on my own, and both my mom and my dad came out to help get me through the sugary and back on my feet. Which appertnly the McKnight rehab goes a little something like this, two days out and sleep after sugary, first day back to getting up and moving around nice and easy, the next day heading out the Grand Canyon, walking around and climbing some stairs, day two heading into Bullhead city Arizona, surviving 120 degree heat. Walking around Oatman AZ, seeing donkeys just walking around. Have dinner with an uncle drive back to Vegas, and head to work on Monday, by Tuesday even with staples still in stomach, move carts around to clean up back room and show team how things are done, and by We'd run circles around team, and now they can't say to much about how they can't do work. 

So that leaves me to know. Here I am, about 2 months after sugary, living in Las Vegas finally in my own place and own space, and honestly loving the life I have. It's crazy it took having to have this sugary to finally get my shit together. Yes I have lost some weight, but the weight is not what I care about. I always though that losing the weight would help me love me again, but the truth is I needed something more then that, the weight didn't mean anything I needed to learn to love the body I have. I have scares now where I was cut into but I also have the start of a stomach that is being define, I have legs that yes still have some chub rub going on, but are fuck sexy as hell, like I have muscle definition, and starting to get a really nice ass, and calfs that are amazing. I have some hella sexy as legs, with no thigh gab and I'm ok with that. I have a back that yes I stil have some back rolls back there, but I also have muscles back and can see where they are and look killer. My arms they can use some work. Yes I still have my bat wings, yet I'm ok with that, because where they might have flown me around the world back in the day we might be lucky to make it Arizona and back lol. I stil have a gut, and some love handles and chubby cheeks, Yet for the first time in a very long, long time I feel sexy in my own skin. 

When I started this blog I never thought that I would get to this point, I had always wished that I would get to this point, but I didn't think it would be a reality. Now that I'm here, I don't want to say that my journey is over, on the contrary it's just started. I'll still admit, I'm a fat girl with T-Rex arms and I still love food..yes like a fat kid loves cake...which by the way total had some cake today and it was killer, but even with all of this I'm finally learning how to love me, and that my friends is wher this next chapter of my life and this blog is going to start. So stay tuned you might laugh, and you might cry from laughter but either way I figure at some point I'll put a smile on your face for some of the dumb shit I say because well that's what I do best. 

So until the next post which I promos will not be in two years. Enjoy the day and find something to smile about even if it is thinking about my T-Rex arms cause let's be really that shit is funny.

McKnight Out