Gym Time

I have never really been a go to the gym every day kind of a person tell I moved to Vegas. It all happened about a month after me moving here. I was stilling in my apt, I has just finished making dinner sat down on the floor at my little coffee table infront of my tv, because well I had no furniture.. Which is really funny if you think about it, being I work at a store that sales home furnishings.   However I'm sitting down feeling hella low and finally decided that I need to get out and meet people, or just be around people I couldn't sit at my house any more. The next day after I work I went to the gym and got my membership.
Before when I had gone to the gym I had always felt judged by everyone there. You know you go and work out and you see all those people there that are super fit, not every breaking a swea. The guys are all super buff muscles exploding caring around there proline shakes and carrying there gallon water bottles. The girls are equity fit and cut and their hair and makeup are on point. Then there is me, no make up hair a mess, soccer shorts and T-shirt  dripping wet because well I seat for everyone else in the damn place, but my point to this is I never felt comfortable having to do what I needed to do to get in shape.  Then I tried the whole working out at home which was great for about  2 weeks and then my bed felt amazing and their was always a reason why I shouldn't get up and work out. Needless to say I was a chunky monkey, now don't get me wrong I'm still curvy and got some extra loven but this time I'm loven my curves, What's the different you might ask well I finally found a gym that I enjoy working  out in and going to. Leave it to Vegas to finally get my shit together, it's a bit funny that I had to move to Sin city to find myself  I'm sure that there is something to say about that, but we will touch on that another day.
Back to my gym, this place is great I can go and work out any time because like so many places out here is 24hrs the best part about the 24hrs is the different type of people you get to see while your there. In the morning you get the Sinors, who don't just walk all day the bust out lifting weights and to be honest some times put me to shame there just busting out their sets with out struggling and here I am trying to work my triceps being all shaky just thinking one more set and I get to have a strawberry and banana smoothly. So anyway you have that group then you have the group of parents who just dropped the kids off and they are getting in there moment of freedom with no kids and then are in the zone you nothing is going to get in there way this is there time. In the middle of the day you have the people who work nights who just woke up so your hotel works and well you its Vegas so you get some of strippers which not going to lie I see them working and total want a butt like that, then I remember that I'm short and that gob blessed me with big boobs and no butt and it is what it is, and then I go back to doing my squats and prying that I don't blow my knee out because well I'm an old soccer player and one of the few that still has full knees in tacked. Then there is the group right after work and late into the night, this is normally when you see all the really big muscled guys and cut girls the ones that you normally see on TV when they talk about gyms the ones that always made me feel very uneasy at other gyms. Yet these are the ones that I see and get motivated by while I work out, when I can't do one more rep and see them and I push myself. The difference that I have noticed is when they look at people working out who are not as fit. Much like my self they don't having that judging look more of a you got that kind of a look and keep on going. Then there is their late night midnight type of gym people this is normally where I fit in, this group of people is the group that you can tell can't sleep, need something to do. Keep to themselves do what they got to do get in and get out kind of a group. Out of all the time I go to the gym this is when I love to work out 11pm.
11pm its when I head to the gym,  me in my yoga pants and captain America shirt. It's the time that I have found I can dig deep, fight through the pain in my stomach right where my scars are I feel every sit up, every stomach exercise I feel the pull the pain yet I still find reasons to dig deep and keep going. I still total sucks at the cardio, there is still no good reason to run just to run, the stair master who the walks up stairs like that, it's either to damn slow and it's like I forget how to walk or to fast and about 5min in I'm feel like I'm climbing mount Evens and come to find. Out the 5min I though i had been doing, was really only a min and then I decided that nothing good is going to come out of this damn machine. So it's on to the next cardio machine which leaves the bike or the treadmill, so the treadmill it is, I can at least feel like I'm walking up hill and accomplishing something while I'm on it, but lest be real I like the lifting weights more then anything, but still push the cardio shit. It's still crazy though to think, that me of all people like going to gym, find peace and clarity going to a gym and getting a work out in. Sometimes I have to check myself to make sure I'm still me and haven't been swapped out with an alien or something like that. I mean it is Vegas and I'm not all that far away from Area 51...I'm just saying.
Over all,  everything that has been happening, all that has been changing there are something that I have come to the conclusion on:
1. I'm done looking at the number on the scales that's not what matters it's a number and I'm not going to live by it.
2.   Im do worrying about what size pants I wear and always wanting to fit into some smaller clothes and feeling down because I can't .
3. Which I think is the biggest more important one of all, I love my curves, my stomach, my flappy arms I love me, and all of this has come from going to the gym as I work out and see changes and see that yes, I'm sliming down but I'm always going to have curves. I'm always going to be bigger but let's be real my legs are fucking amazing, my arms are coming along, and I have hips again and my stomach well that will come along, but I love food so there are things that are always going to stay a little bit bigger.
it's not always that bad to have a little bit of a jiggle in your step.
Tell next time
McKnight Out.

2 years later....

I guess now is as good as any time to get back to writing.  I know it's been 2 years well almost two years since my last post, life got in the way and some times it's better to live in the moment rather then  sit and write about it.   This whole blog started as a way for me to motivate myself to lose weight, share my stuggles of my weight roller coaster, and yes for the recorded I'm still ridding that ride but will get back to that in a minute. This was a way for me to share that, maybe find ways to help and motivate others and let people know that someone else was out there fighting the same battle. It's take almost two years but I have learned so much about who I am and in many ways how to except me. I guess a recap of the past two years is in order...

Let see where did we leave at... Oh yeah, My nana had just passed away, she got me when no one else could, and she loved me when I wasn't able to love myself. I always kick myself in the ass because all she ever wanted was to see me happy again, and it crazy because it took losing her and two years later to finally remember what being happy feels like. With in the same month of losing her My brother got married to the love of his life, and about two weeks after that, the guy that I was with and broke up with me because he couldn't handle the long distance and was to scared to take the leap and move to Califonia with me, which in many was is understandable not everyone can do what I did. Although I couldn't see it back then, but in a lot of ways us breaking up was the best thing that could have happen to us, no we are not together, but our friendship and love for each other is strong then it ever was when we were together. If anything I have found that some people who come in your life are meant to be in your life, no matter how hard you try to push them away or walk away something always pulls you right back to them, and maybe it's better to except that then to keep fighting. Shortly after all that happened, I moved into a house with several of my guy friends, I think I could have made a sitcom out of it called 3 gay guys and a straight girl. Let me give you a little insight to that one. There was me, one of my roommates who wa the youngest, and not gay, the younger brother to one of the boys. Another roommate who was gay, and then the two others who were a couple and yes gay, and where all Mexican. All living in a well basically a double wide trailer. With 3 bed rooms, that is until we added a room. Needless to say I in many ways ended up being the mom of the group, and all though they drove me crazy from time to time. They ended up being my family out in Bay, and talk about some good memories made. Like our BBQ nights on the patio, walking into the house to see one of my roommates dancing in his underwear with the strobes lights going. Going to Pride and Folsome St fair with them...all thought there are things from both of those events I wish I could unsee. I found, love, family and friends with those boys. They were there when I hit my lows and when things were bad at work, and they were there when I found out that I got the job in Vegas, and all though that moment was bitter sweat they were just as excited for me as I was. In January 2016 I moved to Las Vegas to help open our new store, In May I found out that I needed to have my gal bladder removed, and in June it finally came out which from the sounds of it was a good thing, I guess it was worst then what anyone thought it was going to be. Its crazy, one of my biggest fears moving away from my family was always that fear of what happens if I get sick. Well I guess I figured that one out, I found out how much I can hanedel and take care of on my own, and both my mom and my dad came out to help get me through the sugary and back on my feet. Which appertnly the McKnight rehab goes a little something like this, two days out and sleep after sugary, first day back to getting up and moving around nice and easy, the next day heading out the Grand Canyon, walking around and climbing some stairs, day two heading into Bullhead city Arizona, surviving 120 degree heat. Walking around Oatman AZ, seeing donkeys just walking around. Have dinner with an uncle drive back to Vegas, and head to work on Monday, by Tuesday even with staples still in stomach, move carts around to clean up back room and show team how things are done, and by We'd run circles around team, and now they can't say to much about how they can't do work. 

So that leaves me to know. Here I am, about 2 months after sugary, living in Las Vegas finally in my own place and own space, and honestly loving the life I have. It's crazy it took having to have this sugary to finally get my shit together. Yes I have lost some weight, but the weight is not what I care about. I always though that losing the weight would help me love me again, but the truth is I needed something more then that, the weight didn't mean anything I needed to learn to love the body I have. I have scares now where I was cut into but I also have the start of a stomach that is being define, I have legs that yes still have some chub rub going on, but are fuck sexy as hell, like I have muscle definition, and starting to get a really nice ass, and calfs that are amazing. I have some hella sexy as legs, with no thigh gab and I'm ok with that. I have a back that yes I stil have some back rolls back there, but I also have muscles back and can see where they are and look killer. My arms they can use some work. Yes I still have my bat wings, yet I'm ok with that, because where they might have flown me around the world back in the day we might be lucky to make it Arizona and back lol. I stil have a gut, and some love handles and chubby cheeks, Yet for the first time in a very long, long time I feel sexy in my own skin. 

When I started this blog I never thought that I would get to this point, I had always wished that I would get to this point, but I didn't think it would be a reality. Now that I'm here, I don't want to say that my journey is over, on the contrary it's just started. I'll still admit, I'm a fat girl with T-Rex arms and I still love food..yes like a fat kid loves cake...which by the way total had some cake today and it was killer, but even with all of this I'm finally learning how to love me, and that my friends is wher this next chapter of my life and this blog is going to start. So stay tuned you might laugh, and you might cry from laughter but either way I figure at some point I'll put a smile on your face for some of the dumb shit I say because well that's what I do best. 

So until the next post which I promos will not be in two years. Enjoy the day and find something to smile about even if it is thinking about my T-Rex arms cause let's be really that shit is funny.

McKnight Out