My top ten Quotes- Something a little different

To go with my last post of my years reflection I have found that I have been collecting quotes or sayings something that has caught my eye something that I have read and went hmmm I like what that is saying, it didn’t have to have a meaning to me at the time but I have found that over the past year or so that I have had the chance to look at those and noticed that at some point in time that they did make sense they did help me, or motivated me when I needed that extra push, and I was thinking that here I am ready to make yet another change in my life and I was looking at these quotes and though what the hell I should share these with other people, if they have had the chance to help me through my journey maybe they will help some one else with theirs. So all though this has nothing to  do with me and my piss poor stress eating habits which, don’t worry I will talk about that I’m sure with in the next week or so, it does how ever have to do with my all around journey. Now I’m sure some of them I have said before and others maybe not so much but either way I find them to be crazy and helpful when I least expect it. So here it is I though I would give you my top 10 something different, and change if you will form the normal, so here we go:

10. “A genuine change must first come from within the individual, only then can he or she attempt to make a significant contribution to humanity.” Dalai Lama

9. “Compassion and peace of mind bring a sense of confidence that reduce stress and anxiety.” Dalai Lama

8. “You will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did. Explore. Dream. Discover."- Jared Leto

7. “Once you have a genuine sense of concern for others, there’s no room for cheating, bullying or exploitation.”- Dalai Lama

6. “Fight for what you believe in. No. Matter. What.”- Jared Leto

5. “Improvement requires continuous effort” -  Dalai Lama

4. “We need to understand how destructive emotions affect us and constructive emotions can help us, so that we can maintain our peace of mind”- Dalai Lama

3. “The meaning of life is to apply meaning to your life”- Robert Greenwood

2. “Sometimes you just show up. A bit of failure can be the best gift in the world”- Jared Leto

1. “If you're going through hell, keep going”. - Winston Churchill

So there you go there are my top ten quotes that I keep with me and can look back at when ever I need that little push to keep going, because I don’t care who you are any time you are changing anything there will always be obstacles that will need to be over come, walls to climb over hurdles to jump over and paths to chose from. Some times all it takes is a couple words to give you the inner strength you need. So with that I will leave you with two of my own sayings that I look at every day.

“It is better to have tired and failed then to have failed because you never tried” N. McKnight

“A humble beginning makes exceptional endings” N. McKnight

Mcknight out. 

A years reflection

November 1^st 2011 I walked into work at 7:30 and by 10:00a.m. I was walking out the door last paycheck in hand with the words “you are no longer Dish material” ringing in my ears. Doing all I could do to walk to my car with my head held high only to fall apart the moment I got in and closed the door. I don’t really remember the drive home that day as everything was such a blear and felt so unreal. I remember getting home and just sitting on my bed and sobbing because I didn’t know what to do, I had gotten fired from my job and I had bills to pay, the feeling that I had failed sitting on my shoulders, and dealing with the fact that I had to tell my family that I had gotten fired that I had failed. To be honest that was the one word that stuck with me more then anything I HAD FAILED!!!!. There was no other way to look at it that day. If there was anything that sucked more then being fired that day I think it was having to go and tell my family that I had been fired I was very afraid of what they would say what they would think I was so afraid that by this happening I would be letting down so many people. I didn’t have the best mindset back then, I was so unhappy with who I was, who I was becoming my life the way I looked everything. I was so depressed that all I wanted to do was sleep my life away, I wasn’t able to find the joy in coaching anymore, people really didn’t want to be around me and looking back I can’t blame them I was losing who I was, or better yet I had lost who I was. I really wasn’t anyone I was a body a zombie with out the whole eating brains and all of that. My life was dark and I knew that but I didn’t know how to change that, how to make it better so instead of trying to make it better I let myself go because it was easier to just sit back and do nothing then to fight for what I wanted.

So here I am a year later feeling amazing with who I am, I have lost weight, I know what its like to be happy again, to laugh and I mean really laugh and find the “joy’s of life” if you will. I have really been able to spend the last year just really looking at who I am, who I had become and who I want to be. I have done more self reflecting in this past year then I have ever done in my whole life and the crazy thing about it is I have put the majority of this experience down in writing and have put it up on the web for the world to see. Yet I think there are something that I have not touched on and if I have I’m going to repeat it, because I feel that its important some times you need to look back and reflect to remind your self where your though process came from and where you want it to go, I feel that is the only way to grow.

So here are some of the highlights I have found out about myself in the past year.

1.      I have spent so many years trying to “Keep up with the Jones’s” so to speak, and by this I mean that I have spent so much of my time warring about what my friends are going to think about me if I do this or do that. What are they going to think if I can’t buy this or buy that. I was trying to just keep up because it was always easier to like what they liked and do what they wanted to do then it was to let my voice be heard. I was that friend who didn’t say no even if I didn’t want to do it, I would still go out and do it just to keep up, and when you spend so many years doing that, you lose who you are, you lose your back bone and you can’t stand up for yourself any more. So what has changed, I can say NO now, if I don’t want to do something it has become a lot easier for me to say you know that’s not my thing. I do what I want to do, and I know now that I don’t have to keep up with anyone but myself, and my true friends will be there for me no matter what. I have a back bone again and with that back bone comes confidence and that is truly an amazing feeling.

2.      I didn’t fail at anything last year, its more like that job ran its cores. I learned a lot and meet some great people some of which I still hang out with, but it’s the way I look at things now. A year ago to me everything was measured in failure and success, but life can’t be measured by that. I look at life now as lessoned learn and goals accomplished. My though process has changed life is not negative unless you make it negative, a positive attitude can make a world of difference.

3.      It’s ok to cry and let people in and asks for help. Ok the asking for help is still a little hard for me, but I do ask for help when I know that I needed it, but yes it is ok to cry and to let people into my life. I have been so afraid to get hurt again, and so afraid that if people saw me crying that they would think I’m weak. Yet in truth its total the opposite, I cry I tend to cry a lot its total better to let those emotions out then to keep them in, and I know I’m not weak by any means I am a very strong person who can ask for help when I need it. As for letting people in getting hurt sucks, but I know that you have to let people in take a chance, yes I might get hurt again, but that’s ok it’s a chance I’m willing to take. You can’t get any where if your not will to take a chance and get back up after you fall.

4.      I have also found out that I’m a little artistic and funny …or at least that is what people have told me…but I laugh at myself a lot so I guess that would  mean I’m funny. I love taking pictures, the world looks amazing through a camera lens it’s the one place where you can capture a moment and a feeling with a click of a button. It also lets me see the world in a different light and I love it. Then to take those pictures and edit them come up with creative ways to put these photos together edit the way they look. Make a movie out of them and then to have people watch them and see their emotion while they are watching and to know that I did that I created that emotion they are feeling by taking pictures, finding the right songs to go with it. Its amazing and its open my eyes to so many things and I want to create so many different things. Yet with out this past year I don’t think that I really would have been able to find that passion.

This past year has been an eye opener and a lot of soul searching has been done as well. That day that I got fired while I was sitting on my bed I had my song turned up full blast, and if you have been fallowing these post I’m sure you can guess that it is a 30 Seconds to Mars song and “Closer To The Edge” is “my song” and no matter what the lyrics that have always stuck with me during that song are “I will never forget, I will never regret, I will live my life.”  I will never forget that feeling I had that day, and who I was back then, and I will never regret what paths lead me to that day and what I have done to lead me to this point, and most of all I will live my life the way I want to live me life and yes I want to live it a little “Closer To The Edge”. I am a shy person, who loves to sing at the top of my lungs good or bad I love to sing. I maybe shy but I want my art to stand out and share this experience with the world through my writing. I’m a little wired and that’s ok, I got fired and its cool, I am total confused when it comes to matters of the heart and yet I’m ok with the fact that I’m almost 30 still single and have no thoughts about having kids. I’m also ok with the fact that my hair is going gray, All of these things a year ago would have bothered me I would have been ashamed by them, and yet now this is who I am, and to think that it took getting fired a year ago and countless nights of crying and self reflection to get to this point. I will always say that it sucks to say that I got fired, but it truly was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I get a chance to change my path and I’m going to do it my way this time. Life is way to short to be some one else.

So this is what I purpose to all my readers for the month of November be who you want to be, find that thing you have always wanted to do and do it, don’t worry about what other people think, all that matters is what you think and how you feel. Some people do no shave November, lets do no shame November don’t be ashamed of who you are don’t hide who you are, because you are amazing no matter what anyone thinks. So get out there stay with in the legal limits and do what you want to do, be who you want to be and lets have a great no shame November, and if your willing to share I would love to see what your doing, and I will start with mine…I’m want to write a movie script for this idea and storyline I have, I have never done this before and it might go very wrong, but you know what I don’t care this is what I want to do, and I love these things and I have no shame in doing what I’m passionate about even if I don’t know what I’m doing.

SO hope to hear back, and have a great November

N. McKnight out.

Halloween....I know its late

Why Helloooooo my friends, how are we all doing? I’m doing very good been keep very busy so really nothing  has changed from the last time that we talked…well I talked and by take I mean wrote and you so very kindly read. Although I have been very busy I did however find time to go and buy some new jeans. Now for me this is never a good thing, I love to shop but I don’t like to go and buy clothes for myself. It has always been a hard thing for me to deal with. I can’t find anything that fits right and all I every see is how “fat” I am its drama and total sucks ass. Yet this time it was different its was great and I will tell you why, well to start with I’m not Fat any more…I still got some curves and I’m cool with that, and that is the big differences from the times before, I didn’t have curves it was more like just a blob like a scary blob, like I could have stared in the movie. Yeah its cool I know its not the nicest things to say about myself…but lets face it, who I was then is not who I am now, and to be honest I don’t ever want to go back to that person, so in other words I feel its ok to refer to myself like that…it’s the old me the effed up in the head me…Ok I’m still a little messed up in the head but not nearly as bad now, we all have a level of crazy its just a matter of what leave you are on…I feel that I have moved down a level now. Anyway this experience of buying some jeans, there is noting better in the world then walking into a store and being able to buy a size smaller in jeans. Its one thing to go and pick the size you “think you are” go into a fitting room and trying to fit in those smaller clothes, now I don’t know if other people go through this when they are in a fitting room but it always seems like a little bit of an ordeal, but I always go through the same steps you think I would have this mastered by now. Let me explain how this goes down for me, and PS I’m sure that its only in my head that this happens, but if anything this is how I feel its happening.

1.      Walk into the store and pick out what you want to buy. This sounds super easy but don’t’ be fooled my friends it is not, and this is why. First of all you have to find the one little sliver of a section that a store has dedicated to pulse size girls. Then once you do find this small spot that if you take two steps to the left you are in “petite misses” and two steps to the right and your back into “juniors” I’m not really sure where “Fat girl” pants fit in that area but that’s where its at. Yet once you find this area you are now plagued with deciding if you want to wear no offense to any of the moms out there but I think you will understand when I say “Mom Jeans” or clothes that your great grandma will wear Apparently big girls can’t have anything that looks in style or with in this decade, I have a lot to say about the fashion world and big girls but lets hold off on that one it might take 3 pages just for that.  

2.      Go the dreaded fitting room, which is really where the truth comes out if you can really fit in what you picked out or if you were just dreaming. Now to me fitting rooms are always a bit of an adventure, because you never know what your going to get when you walk into one. For example you will either have one of two fitting room sizes big enough to move around in and be able to check your self out in the mirror, or two you will get stuck in the room that the only way you can move around is by doing the shuffle step in a circle and don’t bend over you don’t know what will pock you in the butt. In any case the small room is by far the worst fitting room that you can get pushed into, its like being told it’s a one size fits most…I happen to be the person out side of “most” category.

3.      Now its that moment of truth time to do they fit or do they not fit that is the questions, weather you have to jump or squat to pull them over you butt, to suck in your gut or to lie on the floor to get them buttoned come hell or high water you will do everything you can to fit in the smaller size of two pairs of jeans you bring in with you.

4.      Once you have gotten into the jeans you do the automatic butt check, turn around an look to see how you butt looks in your pants is the damn my butt looks big moment or damn I have a sexy ass, and for some reason you have to check out both sides look to the left look to the right. Then I do what I like to call the “sit” test, and that is the whole if I sit down in these pants will I be able to breath and do I run the risk of the button popping off and going flying across the room and taking an eye out, because its all fun and games until some one loses an eye. Then once you figure out that is not going to happen you can either walk out of the fitting room total happy with your self because you did fit into the size smaller, or you leave fill a little let down because you are still in fat girl pants, and decide that you are going to go pay for your fat girl pants and then go get a some ice cream to make it all better.

Now that you know my shopping habits let me explain to you that I went into the store and for the first time in god knows how many years walked into the store and bought two pairs of jeans that were a size 18 and to top it of one of them was a pair of skinny jeans yes that’s right I got skinny jeans. It was like a shinning moment for me not going to lie did the happy dance in the dressing room why because I can and no one was going to stop me. It was awesome being able to walk out of that room it was like I was on cloud nine I had hit the jackpot, but this came a great time for me too. I have hit that infamous Plato and running out of steam to keep pushing forward, have been at the same weight for the past several months, just very stagnate and it get frustrating I needed something and what better thing to keep you going forward then having that moment of being able to buy something smaller to know you look good in what you are wearing. Then I think the best booster happened when I went to a Halloween party now I will admit I have worn the same costume for the past several years its easy I have all the pieces that go with it, I like it and I can throw it together and in a matter of 10 min and I’m out the door. The thing that has changed this year…I look HOT!!!! There really is no other way to put it. I mean who knew that I could pull off skinny jeans and high heels and even my normal top that I wear looked damn good, it was the first time on Halloween that I felt amazing in my costume. Then to be able to go the party and to see people’s reaction and hear how good I looked and all of that, its amazing and it helps to find that strength to keep pushing forward.

So with this new found energy to keep pushing forward I have set a new goal for myself and keep in mind holiday season is quickly approaching, but I have set a goal to lose another 20 pounds by the Dec 31^st and end 2012 with a bang. I have eaten my last fast food sandwich on Halloween, it was like my own trick or treat….trick now you see this hamburger now you don’t…where did it go you ask…well that is where the treat comes in…Its in my belly…said in my best “Fat Bastered” voice. So again no fast food…and I really am going to hold myself to this I’m only cheating myself when I don’t fallow through. So goal lose 20 pounds in two months, no fast food for the next two months, self control over the holidays I don’t have to eat all the food in one sitting there will be leftovers for the next day…said no one ever…no but really self control over the holidays. I’m going to do this, it will happen and I will look amazing for New Years Eve!!!!

So tell next time keep pushing forward and keep fighting to accomplish your goals.

Looking Hot in my skinny jeans girl out.

Life on the Road

Well here it is a blog post, I know it has been some time since I have been able to sit down and really write anything, which sucks because I feel like I have a lot to say…and I’m sure it’s nothing really important, I just feel the need to talk, or write in this case and read….well you might read but either way my medium size butt…which is no longer that big any more is going to write.

So what have I been up to since the last time I posted?  Which from the looks of things it was forever and a day ago, and for all of you that take the time to read this I’m sorry that it has been so long since my last post. So this is what’s up, I have been working two jobs, which are on the total opposite ends of the world. I drive all the way north to go all the way south, and two jobs on the opposite ends of the world doesn’t really leave much time for anything….I get up, drive to work up north, work, drive to my other work down south, drive home, somewhere in the middle, maybe get a little snack in for dinner and go to bed to start it all over again. Now please don’t get me wrong I’m very grateful l to have two jobs and trying to make my way, but as you can tell it doesn’t leave a lot of time to sit down and write or to work out, or really much time for anything. Yet with this new found lifestyle of mine it does bring up some very interesting obstacles, such as eating on the go and working out. Which lets’ face it are two key factors to losing weight eating right, staying active, living a better life style…ok that’s three things I listed but I think you understand where I’m going with all of this, and that is, I’m not really doing any of these very well…I mean I’m still working on doing them but I am having to re-teach myself how to do it all again with my new schedule. What I can tell you though is now I really do understand why so many people stop at fast food places to eat…yes, it is quick and it is easy and they are everywhere, and if your always on the go you have food at your fingertips all the time. The call to fast food is strong when you don’t have time to sit down and eat or go home to eat. Yes, I have had my moments where I have given in to the call of fast food, its a weakness of mine, it’s fast and it’s easy and last but not least, face it there are times that I’m just too lazy to even want to stop and fix something.  P.S. Soap Box moment coming up

This is what I don’t get why can’t there be healthy choices at fast food places…like a fast food salads place I can just drive in order a salads and call it good…why do I have to get out of my car?  As much as people are on the go do resturants really think I have time to stop and do this? No I don’t. I should be able to stay in my car get it and go.  Although some fast food places offer salad (supposedly fresh) are they really and the choices they offer is limited.  Why is it that they only fast food sandwich shop is Jimmy Johns?  And not all of them offer the drive thru option.  Why do have to go in and get it? I say that we should start a new trend a healthy fast food restaurant on the go.  In today’s society eating right and staying healthy has become a major issue that I think it would be a hit.  Just my opinion and my soapbox moment is done.  Thank you for listening…well reading my ramblings.

Anyway back to my original issue.  I have no time and eating on the go. Despite my momentary down fall and giving in to fast food, I think I have done very well trying to find a way to eat healthy and still be able to be on the road and go from one job to another.  How?.. you may ask…(pause for dramatic effect)…I take the time to pack my lunch, yes, that is right I pack my lunch and breakfast and dinner and snacks…really anything to eat I pack. I have a little tote bag full of food, and for the most part it is all healthy stuff, I think every now and again it’s ok to put a little unhealthy in there give into the temptation if you will, remember all things in moderation.  Now I will say that the nice thing about being able to pack my lunch is the amount of money I save.  Well…but not really cause I’m at the gas station every other day and at this point I think that I have begun a new relationship…but really, I do save a lot money and I eat ten times better.  I eat lighter, good tasting foods. Best snacks in the world apples and a little bit of cheese and have I mentioned the Avocado.  OMG I might be addicted to these damn things and you laugh but let me explain this strange addiction it might boarder on the I might need an avocado intervention or help group

This is my avocado addiction to begin with I have to have them if I don’t I just don’t feel right, its like the are a drug or something a healthy drug but a drug… (Again this is going back to the food addiction but it’s a good food addiction).  Anyway. yes I am that person who is crazy enough to pay the $1.60 for one, yes just one of those wired green looking fruits, and it’s a good thing they taste so damn good because normally I’m not one to eat things that are green. I’m sure you can imagine how happy I get when its like 10 for $10 that is that moment you want to jump in the air and yell “Score” but you don’t, you reframe but on the inside you are jumping around with excitement. I mean those damn avocado growers and distributers have got me hook…they are like my drug dealer hook line and sinker they got me. Damn them and their, oh so good food.

So yes, my avocado addiction, my looking like a bag lady with my backpack and my bag full of food this is my life right now. Either way I’m making it work and when I do have that moment of weakness its always in moderation, but for the most part I’m staying away from really heavy foods and eating light and healthy, and keep pushing forward.

You know on a side note, the other day I was shopping getting my food for the week and have started to notice a change in prices on food, being that I am on a budget I look to see the best deals and prices and all that fun stuff, and this is what I have noticed.  It is truly starting to become cheaper to get healthy foods vs. the unhealthy things, or its getting to a point where I’m starting to look at the bags of chips and preprocessed food and ask myself hmmm do I really want to eat this or for what I’m spending here can I get something better and take the time to make it and have food for a couple days. I know the option to eat healthy and the option to make my food when I can is becoming stronger yes I’m using “The Force” the force of eating right. The point I’m trying to make on this whole eating thing is. It still amazes me how much I have changed when it comes to food, I still have week points and I’m human it’s going to happen I except that, but the fact that I have gone from eating just crap to really thinking about what I’m eating, what I’m putting into my body and how I’m going to feel about it later is the amazing part. I don’t know if its old age or just retraining myself all I know is it is very COOL!!!!

PS PEEPS IF YOU HAVNT FIGUERED OUT THIS IS GOING TO BE A LOOOONNNNGGGGG POST I’M TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME!!!!!!

Moving on to me working out………………………………………………………………………..my silence says it all. No but really I am still staying very active I still take the stairs and luckily with my second job I’m running around moving boxes and up on my feet so even though it’s not an insanity work out it is still a workout it gets my body moving, and a body in motion means…I don’t know I can’t come up with something cleaver to say, so it means the fat is melting away, and really that’s all that matters.  Now what I really need to work on is coming up with a workout routine that I can do at my desk while I’m at work at my first job that is not going to make everyone in the office stop and look at me and be all “What The Hell Are You Doing” but I figure if I’m spending most of my time at work or on the road I should be able to multitask while I’m doing both. I mean who says you can’t flex a butt cheek here and there while doing a squat when your getting in and out of your chair. Or better yet trying to keep your core muscles tight and hope that counts as a work out as well. Then of course there is the dancing in the car while you are stuck in traffic that is not moving. I mean if I’m spending so much time in the car I should try and to make the most out of the situation.   So why not do a little butt wiggling while I’m sitting, again anything to help take that fat away and get in a small work out. Although it is noting compared to doing an Insanity work out or even doing a Zumba work out but it is better then nothing. Now yes, some of you might being saying... why don’t you just get up early in the morning and do a workout.   My answer to that very good questions is….I suck at getting up in the morning, I am not a morning person I am a night person a 100% I think the other name for that might be vampire, with out the blood drinking and being dead crap that goes with it. So mornings are not my thing at all, but given what little time I do have to workout, I am going to have to make the commitment to myself to get up in the morning and start working out, and yes I’m putting it in my blog so not only do I have to hold myself to this but I feel that by putting this on here as well it will just push me to carry this out. I mean hell if I want to keep losing weight and get back to a normal body shape so I don’t look so uneven and awkward, and I say this because I have noticed that the damn fat doesn’t come off all at the same time it’s a little here and a little there and some more here, and by the time you decide to take a look in the mirror you noticed that one side is smaller then the other, that one side is toning up a lot better then the other side and you look uneven. Which in turn makes buying clothes and wearing cloths a little hard to do, and on top of that, as much as I am for the whole positive thinking and finding something good to say about yourself and don’t get me wrong I think that it is something very important to do. I will admit that at this point right now in this awkward body shape that I am in, it is very hard for me to look at myself and be happy with what I see. Yes I’m very pleased with myself for losing the weight and yes all of these changed that I have accomplished in this past year have been amazing and I know that I am a better person for it, and all of that is good, there is that part of me, and yes this may sound a bit vain but I want my outside to reflect all the amazing changes I have made on the inside. That whole “beauty is with in” I whole heartedly agree with that…yet I would also like that to show on the outside as well, you know it would be nice from time to time. So really in theory the whole getting up in the morning and working out would totally help this out. So I’m sold, time to suck it up become a morning person and workout.

Well I guess this will lead me to one more point…The whole living a healthy lifestyle and again I don’t really think I’m doing that very well.  Here is why I HAVE NO TIME TO DO ANYTING!!!!!!! Sorry, as you can tell I just needed to scream this out, but I really don’t have time, and what time I might have I’m to damn tired. To me this is not a very healthy lifestyle I truly believe that you need to be able to have time to go and do the things you love to do you want to do, hang out with friends and family laugh a little and kick up your heels so to speak. In which case there is not a lot of kicking my heals up and hanging out with my friends. Laughing how ever does happen depending on the people that I’m working with……………….You know from the get go I have said that I’m putting everything on the line for this blog.  Opening up and letting you all in to my world, which is always hard being that I am a shy person, so in truth I feel that I would be lying to you and myself if I was not honest in this little section of my life style, and really tell you how it is and how I’m doing, and here it is. I’m soooo tired all the time my body hurts because I go from one extreme to another….sitting all day to standing all night. I have no energy to do anything, I don’t go out with friends because who wants to hang out with someone who is tired, and to be honest pissed and unhappy?? I wouldn’t!   I don’t want to deal with myself right now.   To be honest I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that things will work out in the end, that this feeling I have is just another wall to break down another life lesson to learn. Yet it is the strangest feeling to be in a room full of people and to feel so alone because you have missed out on so many things, and it makes me sad. I get so upset and frustrated and have more breakdowns then I can count and start crying for no reason, I am an emotional wreak. I have come so far to be facing this same unhappy road again. I have always believed that life doesn’t give you obstacles that you can’t over come, so I know that I can over come this and for all I know that being placed in front of this road again is to only show myself that its not the same road and even if it is I am not the same person and I can fight this, I can walk through this and it not effect me the same way. Please know I’m not telling you all this because I want sympathy because in truth I don’t.  I have to be open with myself and my get feelings out, but I also want to open up about this because I know that I can’t be the only person who feels this way, or who is in a position that is very similar to mine, and I know that some times its just nice to know that yes other people have this same damn issue. It sucks and it’s not a good life style choice and I know from past experiences that if you’re not carful it can consume you.  I guess I’m putting this out here to not only remind myself that we all have these times, these hardships because without them you can’t enjoy all the great things that happen in life.  To remind myself that it’s ok to cry, to have a breakdown.  It means you’re being honest with yourself, you know what is going on is not right, and you have to face it to change it.  In my heart I know that although I might feel alone, I know I’m not, I know that I have amazing family and friends who are there and supporting me. I was talking to one of my co workers today about the saying “when life give you lemons, you make lemonade” and I told him I don’t get that saying, because lemons are bitter and if you just squeeze out those lemons all your left with is bitter juice…what missing from this saying is you need the sugar to make it sweet to make it lemonade.  So it got me to thinking, that right now I have had some lemons thrown at me, and yes right now things are a little bitter, but there are so many things that have happened, and that will happen that will make it sweet.  Sometimes you just need to put a little TLC and time into the lemonade to make it amazing. SO to sum up this whole rambling on about my lifestyle, well it sucks its not good, and I need to change it, and yes I am working on things to try and change it as I’m writing this…well ok not right at this moment because I’m writing, but I think you all know what I mean.

Ok well I think we have come to the end, according to my page count I’m up to 4 pages sorry for the long ass post but I wanted to fill you all in in the life that is Nikki. So ‘til next time which I hope won’t be as long, enjoy life and all it has to offer, keep pushing onward and upward and reminder sometimes you just need to let go and trust the process and before you know it the fog will clear and these bad moments will just be that a moment that you lived and learned and kicked its ass. …..

McKnight out. 

31 pounds and counting...Hell Yeah

I did it!   I faced my fear and got back on the scale to see what that dreaded number was that number that might be just as important as your credit score that number that can either make or break your day. Ok, its really not all that bad but it can either make or break your day.  I figured it was about time to go out and get a new scale and can I say it’s a cool looking scale, when its not telling you how much your fat butt weighs it can hang on your wall as a clock.  I tell you leave it up to those crazy Sweds to come up with that…I love Ikea. So I get this scale get it all set up and then I take that step and wait that couple of seconds to see what number comes up, you have that momentary built up of anticipation its almost like that same build of when you’re taking a pee and pray test those 5 min seem like 5 hrs and you don’t know what the hell is going to show up so you might cry, you might scream, you might do both but then bam the time is up and there it is your results you cry, you scream, you do a little dance, ok I don’t know what you do, all I can say is this is what I did… first of all I got back on the scale and waited again to see if the scale was really working and well it must have been the same number came up twice 249 that’s right finally!  I’m official under the 250 mark. This has been such a long journey, and to be honest I started focusing on what I was eating and working out a little at the start of January a month before I started writing this blog. When I got on the scale before I started writing I was at 280.  A couple of weeks later when I decided to write about my journey to help me along the way I was down to 270.  The first month of writing and really losing the weight I dropped 15 pounds all together, however, it never fails, you always lose that first 10 within the first two weeks and then maybe 1-5 pounds the rest of the time, its like at some point you need another way to jump start the process l down the road.

After that first month I had been sitting at 265 for what seemed like a couple of months and then I decided that maybe I needed to lay off looking at the scale because I was getting a bit discouraged, several months later I decided that it was time to check again and here I am 249. Since the beginning of January I have lost a total of 31 pounds, I started writing this blog a couple of months later and since then 21 of the 31 have been lost, which is about 4 pounds a month. Its slow and steady but its working and that’s all that really matters. Seeing this new number has given me an extra push it has recharged me its kind of like hitting your milestone and then you keep going to your goal 59 more pounds that’s what I want, I don’t know if I will be able to make it in a full year but if anything this has given me the drive to step up my game push it a little harder. 

31 pounds that’s a lot, I lost the weight of a little dog, its crazy to think about how much 31 pounds is and that fact that I was caring that all the time. Damn no wonder why I was always tired and wanting to sleep that was a lot of extra work. It feels so great to see that I weight 249 I cant remember the last time I was under 250 maybe 5 years ago maybe 8 either way it has been a long time, and its something to be very proud of.

I’m proud because I not only lost this weight but because I finally did it for me, not to impress friends or family not to look good in a dress, but because I wanted to I was ready and I think that is why this is working this time, I’m doing it my way on my time. I’m proud because I’m happy and that’s what really matters. I know for many this may not seem like a major thing and that’s ok it, it only has to matter to me and it is a big deal and I am damn proud of what I have been able to accomplish and what I can keep accomplishing.

Remember no matter what the challenge, what the obstacle find a way to keep pushing forward to keep pushing yourself to accomplish your goals, its ok if you stumble or “fall of the wagon” all that really matters is that you get back up and dust yourself off and keep going.  I know that I have done both I have written documentation of falling off and stumbling but every time I have been able to get up and keep going and I have been able to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.   So to all of those who might be on this weight loss journey with me or anyone who is challenging themselves to accomplish a goal, ask yourself if you have reached a milestone that you can be proud of and show it off to everyone and anyone.  Be proud of the things that you have accomplished it gives you an amazing boost to kick start the next phase of your journey. Be proud of what you do, I know I am.

So ‘til next time be proud of what you have accomplished, dig deep and on to the next phase.

Provehito In Altum

31 pounds light girl out

Ugh chub rub and heat... never a good thing

Summertime, the wonderful hot time of year, you know that time of year where no matter what you do you can’t escape the heat. That time of year that “chub rub” is used at least once among friends in casual conversation or the term “sweating like a whore in church” is understood by many, and I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman there is some part of your body that is going to be sweating profusely, that is uncomfortable, sticky and the thought of running around naked has crossed your mind several different times, but thank god you refrain because, lets face it, there are people in this world that many of us would much rather poke our eyes out then to see run around naked in public….and yes there are others that I and others wouldn’t mind if they did run around naked all the time…for me Jared Leto would be number one on my list…but that is a whole other conversation. Back to the heat of summer and all that goes with it.

I will say that as a girl with “Curves” as much as a like summer I can’t stand sweating and well I will admit to it as I have before I sweat I don’t fricking glow.  No I sweat like a stuck pig or as my aunt would say “like a whore in church”, and its one thing to sweat when your working out, but to sweat while sitting on your butt watching the Olympic trials is a whole different story.  I mean I’m almost to the point where I’m sweating for the athletes competing for that one amazing spot to be able to represent their country.  Here is where I’m going with this whole sweating thing, this is the first summer in a long time that I have not had to deal with that infamous “chub rub” due to my thunder thighs. There is nothing worst than wearing a pair of shorts and it looks as if your thighs are eating your pant legs, because it taste so damn good (num num num).   You also have to deal with the chaffing and lets face it, its not a great sight and it just sucks your hot, sweating and your thighs feel like sandpaper (awesome).  Who would have though that losing a little weight and toning your legs up would stop that event…AMAZING!!!   It’s great this year not having that issue which is making this a great summer even with the heat.

Now lets not forget another god awful place to sweat, that spot right under the chin, that spot for all of us that have a “little extra weight” might really understand this comment, its that spot that can easily make you look like a turkey that little gobble, gobble spot right under the chin. That spot that when you lay down if you have to much fat there you have the chance to look like Jabbba the Hut, it’s not a good look and yes I have been there, and in the summertime it totally sucks.  It’s like your extra fat layers just stick together and acts like a dam for sweat.  It’s gross on so many levels, I just can’t really even explain, and I’m sure everyone who has this issue or might have this issue will completely understand.  I know for me this is the one thing that really points out that “HELLOOOOO I’M FAT!!!!” which just sucks ass. Yet this summer even with the heat yes, I have this issue of a “sweat dam” every now and again but for the most part its gone, my little double chin jiggle jiggle is almost gone, which has helped make this summer of apocalyptic heat not as bad as it could be, and I don’t feel fat anymore, this little monumental thing is totally epic to me.   

So with this amazing summer of unbearable heat couple things to remember.

1. Stay hydrated
2. Wear sunscreen although I normally don’t I figure I should throw that out their as a good tip
3. If your still having chub rub issues use powder to soak up the sweat and stop the chaffing
4. Please reframe from taking your clothes off and running around naked in public unless your Jared Leto or even Shannon Leto then please feel free to take it off and run around my house naked I know I will not mind and neither will my roommate

So stay cool, stay hydrated avoid the chub rub and keep pushing forward

Tell next time a no chub rub and turkey gobble, gobble summer out.

That "wonderful" gift.

To start with I’m going to put a little disclaimer out there for any guy who is reading this. This is a post about PMS and all the joy that goes with it and if you can’t handle hearing a girl complain about this lovely gift that we wonderful women have once a month…and I say that with sarcasm in my voice…then I would strongly suggest you leave now…and then come back in about 20 minutes with something sweet and salty, bottle of Advil and a box of tissues. Now if you’re a manly man and can take it on, then please by all means read on.  

            Ugh really once a month we go through hell, and I think we all know what I’m talking about…Not only do we have to carry on with our daily routine while our body is trying so hard to…for lack of a better word “abort” apart of our body we have to act as if nothing is wrong, keep a smile on our face and fight back the multiple impulsive urges to randomly bitch slap people who we find annoying for no other reason then they are in our personal space, and by personal space I’m talking about the 20 mile radius around us.  Ladies you know what I’m talking about.  We act as if nothing is going on, in addition to all of the pain and mood issues there is the random cramps, hot flashes, fatigue, and body aches, but it never fails there is always some jackass who makes feels the need to comment “ looks like its someone’s time of the month” and really that is about the time where if you could throw something at them you would.  Then there is the whole food issue. Yes, food that oh some amazing food, that salty, sweet delicious food. This damn cycle is a cruel joke for anyone who is dieting, losing weight, or working out you name it its just cruel.  It never fails that for about a week all you want to do is stuff your face with potato chips, French fries so really anything salty, and sometimes its so bad that there are days where the sound of a bowl of salt sounds like a good idea, wrong by true.  Worse yet are the sweets…. there is NOTHING better then chocolate…well maybe chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup.  Needless to say it’s a train wreck and the worst part is we will go out of our way to the grocery store just to pick up these wonderful foods that lets face it are not so wonderful, and by all means if you can have a salty sweet food together its like effing heaven, the most amazing thing in the world…take note guys I’m just saying this could save you in the long run.

So now we have not only stuffed our faces full of unhealthy yet salty sweet goodness there is that even bigger issue of fat pants, yes the fat pants because for some reason I feel it is a cosmic joke that for one week none of your clothes fit.  It’s the one time in your life that a moo moo should be accepted as daily wear without any one poking fun of, or making comments about it. “Yes damn it I’m in a moo moo what’s it to you?  Is that a snickers in your hand? Yes, then thank you I will take that off your hands while I slap you and go on my way”.

It’s a horrible time to start with and to be working out and dieting during this time is just plain hell.  I know there are those who say “if you work out you will feel so much better”. Well thanks…I’m sure that the person who is saying this is 1) a guy who has never had to deal with this issue, or 2) that very skinny bitch who doesn’t get cramps that feel like your insides are trying to claw their way out of your body and who doesn’t eat to begin with.   Thank you, but your opinions don’t count your abnormal to begin with… I’m just saying. Because most normal woman will tell you that the idea of working out and sweating while you already feel like you want to crawl out of your skin is not their idea of a good time or something they even want to think about.  No we want to sit in our fat pants and eat chocolate with a side of salt.

Now you might be asking why I have decide to discuss this subject since it is a natural/normal part of a woman’s life.   If you’re losing weight you not only have to deal with the affects of your normal issues you have to deal with the food issues.   Yes I have to deal with it and I’m going to be honest I tend to turn into Satan, its cool I know I do, and I have decided that’s its way better to give into those cravings, than to deny yourself the things you want during this week.  Just remember that moderation is the key!  Don’t eat the whole container of ice cream and a bag of chips in one sitting…eat them throughout the day, that way it will be considered several meals in a day not just one, see moderation. Not to mention if we are all happy during this “wonderful time of the month” then everyone around us is happy.

So ladies its ok give in to your chocolate bar with a side of salt, cry a little when you see those commercials about animals and any other non-sappy thing that becomes sappy for one week. Just as long as you make it up to your elf for the rest of the month add an extra 15 minutes on to your workout, be a little more strict on the food you eat throughout the month it will all even out and you will be ok.  I say this from experience and I figure I can’t be the only person who has this problem, since I’m sharing my struggles and triumphs during this losing weight process I figure its about time that I put something up about having to deal with this “situation”.  Just remember stay strong, have some ice cream and chips, cry a little over nothing, be comfortable in your fat pants and then get back to it double time the rest of the month.

Until next time

Emotionally crying and eating girl out.

Long time no write.

Well its been about a month since my last post sorry, went to California lost my freaking mind fell off the wagon been a crazy month, and now its time to get back on, get back to doing what I need to do to accomplish my goals.

So what have I been up to this post month that I have managed to lose my mind, well I will tell you. To kick it off I turned a year older its cool I’m rock out 29 with the best of them, spent my 29^th birthday in the happiest place on Earth that’s right the Magical Kingdome. The place where kids screams ring through out the land, where parents have a melt down just as fast as the kids do, and where “if I have to tell you one more time” should be the underlying theme of the park due to the fact it is said by every other parent though out the whole park. I’m sure that at some point in time there will be a musical made up about it, just wait it will happen. Besides the melt downs, and lines it was so much fun and amazing, not everyone gets to say they spent their birthday at Disneyland, its still cool no matter how old you are. I also spent a the rest of my birthday weekend site seeing as much of  California as I could and it was amazing, being by the ocean and cursing the cost in my convertible words cant even explain how much fun that was for me. Spent some time in Hollywood, or Hollywired what ever you want to call it, it owns up to the name. Took a stroll down Rodeo Drive and the only song running through my head was Pretty Woman and then of course you have to strut your stuff because I fit in their, jeans, tank top, and flip flops and oh yeah with my Swiss army camera bag yupp I fit in, and while doing all of this and seeing these amazing places I ate like crap but damn it tasted so good, and I didn’t work out, but I tell you what this birthday was amazing and the best one I have had in a long time. Don’t get me wrong my other birthdays have been so much fun, but this one was more then just having fun, it was…I really don’t know what the best word for it would be. It was the first trip that I have taken where I was not stressed out, I was truly happy, in other words it was an amazing trip all the way around. 

My ride in Cali 

Huntington Beach one of my favorite pics from my trip

My 29th Birthday i have to say i'm not looking to bad :) 

Sooo with all that said I kind of have fallen off the wagon after my trip like I said I have been eating fast food not so good, drink a lot more soda then normal again not so good, haven’t been working out as much as I should not good at all in other words every thing that I was doing I haven’t been doing and have fallen a little bit into my old routines total not good at all, and to top it off I can total feel a change and I DON’T LIKE IT. Which means its time to jump back up on my wagon and get my ass into gear, I have goals that I need to accomplish and I’m not about to fail and give up on them now.  So its back to the no fast food which is going to suck again because damn that food was tasting so good, oh but then again that is how I got fat in the first place, I gave in to those amazing French fries, and that new Doritos taco that shit is good, but I will have to say good bye, we can no longer be friends again. I did this once before I can total do this again, and if anything hopefully I will do a lot better at it then I did the first time around, hopefully it will be easier to get through it.

Now to add on to all of this I have decided that I am going to run the Boulder Boulder next year, which I guess we can put this under my long term goals box, but its cool either way I’m going to be running the Boulder Boulder and I’m not going to be the butt of Boulder Boulder either which is going to be the thing that is going to keep me going. I am one of those people who thinks that you really shouldn’t run unless something or some one is chasing you so in this case it will be the butt…never thought I would be say that I’m running away from a butt, but its all good, and I figure the worst thing to be in one of these runs is the butt unless you are injured and you still have that completive edge to suck up the pain and walk it in. Then it’s cool to be the butt. So yes this is going to be a goal and a goal that I will accomplish and it’s a good thing that I have a year to train for this being that I have no idea what I’m doing and well I’m so not a long distance runner but hey anything is possible, and my mom says she will have pictures of food she will hold up along the way just for that extra bit of motivation because lets face it you never get in the way of a fat kid and their food.

So that about sums up the past month, I fell off the wagon now I’m getting back on, but damn I have had a great time with everything, and really in the end that is all that maters to me having fun and living life.

So tell next time and yes I promise that you will hear from me a lot more then once a month so…maybe twice a month….anyways keep working towards your goals and if you have fallen off the wagon then lets jump back on together and lets accomplish these goals we set for our selves.

N.Mcknight out.

Cinco De Mayo- better know as Cinco de drinko

            Can we just say I’m staring my birthday weekends off on Cinco De Drinko weekend, yup that’s right going out with my Denver crew the weekend before my birthday which will be spent with my cousin at Disneyland its cool I’m 28 going on 5, but hey how many people wanted to have a birthday in Disneyland and never got to? I guess its true dreams really do come true in the Magical Kingdome needless to say I’m like supper excited I mean its like a “whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew”…best part is all you Disney people out there have now started to sing that song…your welcome.

I am really excited to be turning 29, so many good things are going on for me, its like my insides feel like there going a hundred miles a minute and yet I’m trying to stay calm, cool, collective on the outside and yes, I don’t know why but I said that slow, with one eyebrow raised because…I don’t know why it just happened.   Anyway I’m going out with my friends and family this weekend and I’m so excited to be able to spend this time with them, to have a great time, share some laughs make great memories, but most of all to be a damn dancing queen with my newly found Zumba moves.  Oh yeah that’s right I’m going to shimmy shake my ass all over the palace. Lord knows that I’m going to have to work off my dinner, because there is noting light about German food or beer for that matter, and you can’t have schnitzel with out beer its like a sin against all that is good. So to make sure all stays good in the land there will be beer with my schnitzel and lots of it. It is so strange to be this damn happy and this damn excited about life.  I mean hell I could break out in song and dance, although I don’t think anyone would like to see or hear that so for now I will keep it inside, but don’t worry it will happen at some point Saturday night… fair warring to all!  Again Dancing Queen here I might throw a hip out but its cool. I’m going to the happiest place on earth the following weekend I can get Tinkerbell to sprinkle some fairy dust on my hip it will be fine…I might be flying all over the place but its cool.

Like I said I’m really excited about 29. I got some great things coming my way a lot of great opportunities happening.  Over all a total different perspective on life and what’s going on around me and who knows maybe “Some day my prince will come..” Sorry I totally have Disney songs on my mind right now, and again your welcome for that song sticking in your head as well.

            I total spaced that it’s the end of the month I’m not going to lie I have not weighed myself I have been using the scale at a friends house so I wouldn’t be tempted to jump on a scale every day that tends to be a little discouraging when you see you weight go up and down all month, so I went with this method to do it at a friends house that way I can’t see it everyday, so I have not been able to get over there and weight myself but I can tell you this. I have been rocking some of my size 18 pants, my legs are trimming down, my stomach feels a little flatter, thinner, and sexier. I have two more notches to go on my belt and then I will need a new one and I’m starting to just have one chin instead of two or three and a neck again which doesn’t happen very often in my family. So over all I’m looking hot…because well “I’m Sexy and I know It” Also for the whole food thing, no fried food month went by great, now I eat fried food and I don’t like it, I had fast food for the first time last week and its been about 2 months of no fast food, it was so bad and I got so sick, that the next day I went to whole foods and I tell you if any one looked in my basket they would have though I became a vegetarian for the day it was like I couldn’t put enough healthy food in my system to counter act the bad food that I had the day before. So over all mission accomplished on the wanting to stop eating a lot of bad food for myself, but I like it, I fell great and really that’s all that matters.

            So yeah that’s what’s going on, figure I should give you two post this week being that I slacked off the last couple weeks and next week I will be packing for my trip so I won’t have one up, but when I get back from Never, Never Land better know as Disney and LA I should have some great stuff to write on and my lovely experience out there.

‘Till next time I will leave you with a song…”La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, La,La,La,La,La,”

Dancing Queen Out