Lent…Is there really anymore to say?

Burger King, Wendy’s, MacDonald’s, Del Taco MMMMMM,…..fast food (in my best Homer Simpson voice) as my mouth is open with drool coming down my chin.  Giving you up for 40 days and 40 nights who would ever break up such a happy relationship? Oh wait that would be me. Yupp, that’s right after 20 plus years of continues meetings and late night rendezvous I’m throwing in the towel…saying goodbye to your French fries.   Fried to the perfect golden brown sprinkled with just the right amount of salt to enhance that fried goodness. Goodbye onion rings with just the right amount of onion to batter proportion in one bite.  Se la vie you juicy baconantor with your apple wood smoked bacon. Adios 29 cent tacos that always seemed to have the best proportions of meat, lettuce and cheese. Its been fun and been great you have always been there for me and because of your unquestionable dedication to me all of this food has gone straight to my hips, thighs, stomach and arms…so really anywhere fat can be stored and saved you went.

Now to put this out there I’m not Catholic I’m sure if I were I would have been kicked out of the church by now. However I’m going to take part in this yearly event to give up something that will be a struggle for me, and to be honest I think that this time of year is the best time to give up something that you are a little addicted to or want to try to give up and this is why. EVERYONE IS PISSY THIS TIME OF YEAR!!!!! And it’s accepted because the majority of people are catholic and we all know that they are observing Lent and fasting and all of that, and who is really happy to be giving up something they enjoy? Yet here I am giving up fast food and in reality it’s the best thing that I could be giving up. It is going to be a struggle but its going to be a good struggle because in theory by the time I’m done with this I’m hopping that I will find other things to eat that are as quick and easy and a lot healthier then fast food. Oh the things I’m doing to lose the weight, but if you’re not willing to make the life changes then why the hell put yourself through something like this.  My life needs to be lived a little closer to the edge not way in the back where its safe, and by challenging myself to these things it just pushing me closer and closer to become the person that I want to be, I figure that if I complete this challenge I will prove to myself that I can do anything that I put my mind to.  So with that in mind let’s define what I am going to consider fast food because it almost seems like anywhere you go the food is served fast.  I’m defining anything fast food as anything that is drive up, so all those greasy cheeseburgers with bacon, yummy French fries, crispy tacos and everything in between… gone, done, saying au revoir to all of these delicious fatty foods.  Now I know that some of you might be saying well you can get a salad there, and you would be right. I could, but I’m a picky salad eater it has to be the right salad and be cleaned right…like I said picky, and to avoid the temptation altogether it would be better for me to not have to stop by those places to get something to eat. So now it’s a matter of rethinking what I want to eat and where, and do I really want to go into a store to get something to eat or can I get it at home. I mean if you really think about it not only am I going to be kicking fast food out but I might end up saving money as well. Well maybe I still have my Which Wich challenge going on, 50 sandwiches in a year which doesn’t seem like a lot but there are sandwiches that I’m not to happy to be eating and you can only eat so many sandwiches before you are sandwiched out…its like the subway diet, but better cause it’s the Which Wich diet with more options and better ingredients done the Which Wich way.

SO here we are, now that you know what I’m giving up, its day two with out fast food so far I’m doing good avoiding fast food while tempting I’m saying NO!  you heathen you can not tempt me with your oh so delicious onion rings…MMMMM ONION RINGS….Damn it, back on track no fast food. Although after clogging my arteries on Fat Tuesday you would think that I would not want to eat fast food anymore, but you would be wrong. Wednesday I woke up wanted a Wendy’s cheeseburger craving that grease and that crispy bacon and melted cheese, and Yes I was strong I fought back the urge to eat, although I still went out to eat it was not fast food I went with the Mediterranean food route, which was amazing and I didn’t feel like shit after eating it, who knew you don’t have to feel like crap after eating food.

Now if I can keep this up its going to be great it will be a breeze which, lets face it the first week is nothing the second week I might start drooling on myself while watching a fast food commercial and really do they have to make their food look so damn good…because I’m sorry but when I order that same meal at the restaurant it never looks the same that lettuce is not crispy its hot and soggy and its never stacked the same way when you look it, its really not all that appetizing but yet I still have no problem shoving it into my big ole pie hole. The third week I might have the whole devil angel thing going on, so if you seem me talking to myself its cool I’m not really crazy just fighting with the fat devil on one shoulder saying “DO IT..YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO EAT IT” and don’t ask me why but he has that Terminator voice going on and then Skinny Bitch Angle on the other shoulder say “ ALL HELL NO BITCH, YOU PUT THAT NATSTY SHIT DOWN, YOU WANT TO ALWAYS WIGGLE AND GIGGLE? DON’T MAKE ME BUST OUT AND BE ALL MAJOR PAIN ON YOUR ASS…..ONE TUBBY TUBBY, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT ITS GOING TO SOUNDS LIKE WHILE YOUR WORKING OUT IF YOU EAT THAT FATTY SHIT” and yes for some reason she has that  angry southern black woman’s voice, don’t ask I don’t know where I come  up with this stuff. By the fourth week my roommate might find me passed out on the living room floor in a food comma because I managed to sleep drive, by one of everything off the Wendy’s menu came home and ate everything like a big old fatty fat. I can see it now fries all around me, chicken nugget crumbs all over my face ketchup and mustard down the front of my shirt. I mean that would be the ultimate when sleep eating goes wrong, and by the fifth week lord help you if you smell like a fast food joint I might end up biting your arm off. But its cool I’m still gong to stand by my point of I’m not crazy I’m just on Lent.

So for all of you who are giving up something for Lent stay strong my friends we will get through this together we will fight back the urges and pass this challenge. For those of you who are not giving up something its cool but don’t judge me when I come and bite your hand off because your taunting me by waving fries or a cheeseburger or a damn taco in my face, because you will be asking me “why would you do something like that” and I will simply answer “because your stupid ass thought it would be funny…who’s laughing now”

I may always eat fast food, but when I don’t it’s because Lent

Fat Girl Out.

One more change...why not?

With all of the changes going on in my life it seems only fitting that I also be adding to the list starting a new job. Which is great! something different and something new, but for legal reason I’m going to go with not indicating who this new company is…and by chance if you know who I’m working for here is my disclaimer:

(The views & opinions in this blog are my personal opinions, not that of the company.  They should not be taken for anything other than my personal opinion). Well now that the legal crap is over with shall we go on? 

So I have this new job and their offices and lockers are up on the third floor, great except for one thing… I have not been able to find the elevator to take me up to this floor; the only thing that I have been able to find is the stairs… all 77 of them, now if you read the post last week I think we all know how I feel about stairs. Yet for some reason I keep taking these damn stairs twice in one day 144 stairs….144 stairs  needless to say: Stairs 1 Nikki 0.  These damn stairs are going to be my arch enemy. Yet I have told myself that I’m going to take the stairs all the time, I will beat them…with the exception of my break.  I get a 15-minute break and well damn it might take me 15 minutes just to get to the top of these damn stairs. If I take these stairs I might have to turn around mid break to make it back to my station in time, I may never see the light of the break room. Again going to be the death of me!!!!

So with this new job there is a uniform they make you wear jeans and a shirt and its cool cause they provide the shirts. So where can you go wrong you might be asking?  Well let me tell you my drama… So I started my orientation this week, now first of all I’m the only girl in this group of 5 not really a problem until it comes to sizing out uniforms. To start all of these uniforms are based off of European measurements aka not made for short fat people issue number one. Now with these measurements we are suppose to measure at your widest part on your torso and this will give you your shirts size. Well I have two areas to be measured, those of you who do know me I’m sure you can guess the first one…for those of you that may not, lets just say I’m not lacking in the chest area, and then there is the issue of my muffin top for lack of a better word. Really all these means is that to be able to find a shirt that fits in European sizes doesn’t really happen. Yet here I am in a room full of guys measuring out my bust size its cool except that no girl should ever take in their own measurements it doesn’t work, I know I just did it. So after I take these measurements, that were not small by any means I give my little paper to the guy and he goes and grabs my shirts and brings them back. We all proceed to try the uniforms on….  Me, along with all these hey look I could snap you like a tooth pick boys that I want to yell at them to eat something and tell them not to wear their girlfriends jeans.

So I try on a shirt and the sweater…Now really quick going to paint this picture for you as to how my fat ass body is shaped, I have gorilla shoulders, T-Rex arms, big ass boobs, and a wiggle jiggle muffin top…this damn shirt made me look as if I could be the sequel to the Blob.  I could have fit myself and mini me in this shirt, and the sweater well lets just say it would have been the highlight in the 80’s if I would have shown a little bit of shoulder. It was to short; the arms went past my fingertips and looked like I was drowning in a sea of Yellow. The best part was the very nice guy was all… well take it home wash it to see if it shrinks up a little bit…PS it didn’t shrink…so needless to say the next day had to go in and try on 3 different sizes with the very nice lady who also had much of the same problem as myself made me feel a little better. Hell I even got a button down that fits….well for the most part it’s a little tight along my gorilla shoulders, but it’s all good.

All though with all this I still have a Bright ASS YELLOW shirt, first of all this is the brightest thing I have in my closet I’m not a bright and shinny person I am a: A) if I wear black it hides my fat and B) it goes with everything I don’t have to think to much to make things match because I suck at that. Anyway I have this Yellow shirt that if you dropped my in the middle of a forest on a pitch black night, and if I climbed up a tree I could be a beacon for any one lost, its that bright. Its so bright that the damn wolves would be hollowing at me thinking I was a full moon, that or be confused with a giant sun shining in the middle of the night…HAHA think of what that would cause I would be the one to bring about the apocalypse HAHAHAHAHAHAH….I might just have to do that now just so I could point and laugh at the whack-a-dos running around.

SO to sum up this week… I’m still working out and I still hate Insanity…The stairs Kicked my ass several times and yes I wanted and coke and a cinnamon bun at the top, I have a shirt that when I put it on I’m as big and bright as the sun…if that idea doesn’t make you want to lose weight I don’t know what will.  Also on a side note I don’t know what it is but I have decide losing weight is like being pregnant, and this is why when ladies are prego they crave weird foods, for some reason here I am losing weight and I’m craving things, except they are not unhealthy things they are like Fish and Salad and I have never craved that crap…great no one ever told me losing weight would be like giving birth to fat, just push that shit out, or sweat it out…pushing it my be a bit awkward and freaky…Ok I’m done.

Until next time keep on shining like the sun

Giant beacon of light girl out

Workout Week 1...This might be a fat girls enemy

You ever have those days when you decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator? That thought of I got this, its not that many steps…. You start your journey and at first you feel great, heck you even have a little hop in your step. First flight of stairs done, only two more to go!  As you start the second flight you begin to feel the burn in your legs and notice, damn its getting a little hard to breath, that little hop you had during the first flight is gone, but you’ve made it one more flight you’ve come this far why stop now. You start that third and final flight of stairs, now in your head you are Rocky “Eye of The Tiger” playing in the background you have reached the top arms up raised to the sky you’re the champion you can do anything!!  In reality, that damn third flight of stairs is more like climbing Everest. Your legs are on fire and feel like they weigh a ton and they should… I mean they are lifting your butt up each and every step.  Your lungs are on fire and are in need of oxygen.  You would yell out for oxygen that is if you could get enough to muster up a yell, but all that comes out is a little whimper of defeat. Yes, you make it to the top and yes, your hands are raised above your head, but that is only because you are lying on the ground trying to catch your breath sweating like a stuck pig. Waving people on to just step over you, and by chance if someone ask if they can help you, your first response should be to tell them to call 911 because your heart is beating out of your chest, but instead you ask them to get you a coke and a cinnamon bun because well you just climbed three flights of stairs and your hungry and thirsty and you might be lying on the floor for the next hour, its cool it’s comfortable and really the only reason your not moving is because you can’t feel anything from the waist down. Needless to say this might be the point when you decide its time to work out and starting doing some cardio.

After your adventure up Everest AKA the three flights of stairs you decide you are going to start your work out the next morning. Then that annoying alarm clock goes off yelling at you saying “hey, hey you need to get up and get your ass moving”. You throw back the cover to find out out that’s snowing and freezing outside and your questioning why you are up this early in the morning. You have to fight back the urge to lie back down in the warm bed, then your remember that three flights of stairs just kicked your fat ass and just like that your bed doesn’t look all that good…ok, it still looks really good and nice, but again you just got your ass handed to you by three flights of stairs….yes, be ashamed.

Now on to your work out, what should it be? A work out program called Insanity. Now you just got out of bed and the first thing you want to do is something called Insanity…really you have to be freaking insane to even think about doing something called Insanity. Yet you do it anyway why because you want to lose the weight and feel great about yourself…and deep down you want to go back to those stairs and show them who is boss…yeah its cool you can shit talk them once you make it to the top with out killing yourself. Here you are armed with water feeling good about doing Insanity and for the first five minuets of your work out your feeling great you tell yourself you got this. Then ten minutes in you’re starting to feel the burn but there is a part of you that is second-guessing what you’re doing, but those stairs are in the back of your mind. Five more minutes yupp you know you are insane and then water break and stretching. Then at the moment when you are feeling the burn and starting to sweat you hear Sean T say ok good warm up...WHAT!!! ARE YOUR EFFING KIDDING ME!!!!! And all of a sudden its like double time the work out, this could be why they call it insanity. Yet you push yourself, you rest a lot, might be a little light headed but those stairs are your driving force, well that an the fact that yes I’m yelling at the people on TV like they can hear me, but whatever its making me feel better as I’m slowly sweating to death.

Soap Box Moment: I’m sorry but those people in the videos piss me off!  First of all NO ONE EVER LOOKS THAT HAPPY WHEN THEY WORKOUT!!!!!  If your really working out that hard you’re not smiling you have more of that I’m really concentrating on something important look on your face. Second real people sweat, they don’t glow or glisten, if you’re doing something called Insanity your ass is dripping sweat. Third, Hey ladies the 80’s called and said they want their work out clothes, no one works out all the time in sports bars and spandex, now you’re just showing off…eat a damn bloody burger. Fourth don’t show me people who are already skinny and toned in these things. Give me some variety show a fat person in there every now and again. Something that says, hey I was fat before I did all this working out, I was able to start to look like this…and yes eating right too, but point being show some fat people. I’m tired of seeing the girls with the toned triceps and six pack abs, I want to see the people with bat wings, pony kegs and things wiggling and jiggling when they run. Ok I’m done

Finally your done, you made it through Insanity feeling great you also look like you just survived a hurricane…yes you look like hell, your sweaty and I’m sure you smell too, but its ok your losing the weight rending the fat away which is why you could possible smell like bacon for a while but its all good were getting in shape. Then you take that first step after working out your knees give out in protest and I’m sure that if they could talk they would be say “HELL NO BITCH!!!! did you just see what you did to us, not only do we have to carry your fat ass around everyday but you just did that Insanity work out, HELL NO!!!! Your on your own” Yet all of these pales in comparison to the fact that you still had three flights of stairs kick your ass.

Couple things help during your workouts

1. Find good music: A good play list up beat and strong it helps take your mind off of your workout.
2. Do only what you can do: Everyone is different and thank god it would be a boring world if we were all the same.
3. Challenge yourself: Everyday push yourself a little more…This also helps build character just in case you were wondering
4. Just get up and do it: Even if you don’t think you can or don’t want to just get up and do it.

“Sometimes you just show up. A bit of failure can be the best gift in the world” Jared Leto - yeah that’s the tweet I got from him awhile ago, but in truth it has been a saying I hold on to, and when I feel I can’t do something I still show up.

Tell next time

I would say fat girl out…but I rendered some fat away this week sooo …

Smelling a little like bacon girl out.

Fat Girl Intervention - The One Serious Post

Losing weight is more then changing your diet and working out, lets face it yes you can do all those thing and lose the weight but if your not willing to looks at why you got fat in the first place and be willing to make some life changes and face your issues its just a matter of time before you relapse and become fat again. Hence the yo-yo diet you hear so many people going on and on about, you lose the weight you put it back on you lose it to put it back on. This way of living can’t be healthy either, and have you ever noticed when you do that the weight comes back ten fold. So really when you think about it to be able to lose weight and keep it off you have to be willing to let go of what ever issues you have from your past and start over, its like shedding off the bad crap and letting the new more lively crap in, so to speak. Take those meditation tapes for example when they sit there and say “now imagine your life right now as a seed in the ground its dark and cold but as the seasons change this seed comes to life and starts to bloom into a beautiful, strong, vibrant read roses full of life, love and happiness…blah, blah, blah.” And in the midst of all of this, this explanation is suppose to represent you letting go of your past that’s holding you down and letting in the changes so you can become this beautiful, strong, loving, happy person, and in theory that is great, but really a rose?  Don’t get me wrong I love roses and I love getting them, but they die in a couple of days and if you have a rose bush its beautiful for a week or so and then its just a bush. So really you have something that is great and wonderful for a couple of weeks and then it dies and goes back to dull and boring…sound like all of my diet attempts in the past…Fail.
So, why did my other diet attempts fail?  I will tell you why it’s because food is like a drug for me and so are sodas and adult beverages. But to really understand this statement I think I need to have one of those movie recaps of the past ten years with 30 STM “A Beautiful Lie” playing in the background.  Ok ready movie flashback fade into black…..
2001 my senior year of high school was about the time I started putting on the weight. I was only playing soccer during the fall season and that was it for sports and working out. I, like so many girls when they have a high school boyfriend was paying more attention to him and being all wrapped up in that crap rather than worry about myself.  But through all of this I was still eating all the fast food, candies, fatty foods and sodas like I was still playing soccer and running around non-stop, hence the start to putting on the weight. Now on to the college years so 2001 – 2006 or better yet lets call these the fat years. The college fifteen turned in to the college lets add on a second chin, a muffin top and a giggle ass.  I was going out and parting with friends eating fast food I turned 21 during these years too, so I was going out to the bars and visited Malibu a lot…well the land of Malibu and cokes. I was still dating my high school boyfriend during this time then well that relationship went from bad to worst then to ugly and it just sucked ass in the end. While all of this was going on the drinking the parting, not really getting any sleep eating fast food day in and day out it truly wasn’t not a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically. After graduation from college I moved away from home to Alabama, moved back home. I stated working for a company just being nice not going to name them but let’s call it the seventh circle of HELL!!! For five years, desk job plus lots of sodas and sugar to keep you awake equals a giggle puff ass. In the mist of this five years my family lost two very important people in our life’s to cancer, moved out of my parents house and in to a house with roommates, and that seventh circle of HELL job I had, the stress became so bad that it was truly slowly killing me and then the best thing happened I got fired from HELL and bam just like that movie flashback over and where back to the present. 
All in all I have been on a one-way highway called depression head straight for disaster canyon. Now don’t get me wrong there was a lot of fun times during all of this it wasn’t all sad and downhill, but I can say that there might have been more bad times then good. Well at least that was all I could see at the time. Needless to say that I was not good to myself in my twenties, I could have stopped doing all of this to myself at any point in time, but at that time my head was not in the right place and food and drinking was my drug to get away form everything. When you make up excuses as to why you need something, and you know that you are going to have withdrawals such as caffeine withdrawals you know you’re hooked…I was hooked. If I were able to go and kick my younger self’s ass right about now I would…. straight into next week and then kick it again.  To sum up the past ten years I became addicted to food and well soda and alcohol I didn’t care about myself, I had no self-esteem or confidence, and managed to hurt my family and friends as all they could do was sit there and watch me go downhill. If I was one of those DE motivator posters it would have a picture of me with a cheeseburger in one hand a Malibu and coke in the other passed out in a pile of Wendy’s, McDonald’s and Burger King bags, french fries in my hair ketchup on my cheek with the words FAIL underneath.
Now the intervention part of this, when you hit rock bottom you have to find reason to keep fighting to pull yourself out of the big as pile of crap. Something that makes you see the good reason and good thing about your self to change your life. Now I could start the whole lets write a letter Dear Nikki I’m writing you this letter to say that you are an amazing and a beautiful person blah, blah, blah. Here it is in short hand I kick ass and if you don’t think so well you can go and…well I think you know what you can do. Now I found the reason why and admitted to the reason as to how I became fat, so I passed that step, now on to the working out and changing my food habits and lifestyle. I’m going to tell you the working out will be nothing compared to the pain that comes from the soul searching and admitting to the things lead you to this point, but once you get passed that point it’s a relief and a big ass weight off your shoulder, give the world back to Atlas he has been doing a good job of caring it for all these years well centuries. All of this soul searching took me a good year and it was hard as hell, now I feel that I’m in a good place I feel good on the inside, now to work on the outside, which is why I’m losing the weight.
Couple tips when you do the soul searching find something that will help pull you out of your bad days makes you want to get up and dance sing at the top of your lungs, for me it’s a song by 30 Seconds To Mars “Closer To The Edge”, don’t be afraid to cry a little its good for the soul. Write shit down get it out of your system don’t keep it all to yourself it’s not good. Find something you like about yourself, be it your personality, your eyes, smile whatever and enhance those thing make them stand out you will be amazed that it really does make you feel good, because other people will notice it. Over all find things that make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside and hold on to them.
Now that we’re done with the serious stuff lets get back to the funny shit and kick fats ass.
Tell Next time
Fat Girl Out.