November 1st 2011 I walked into work at 7:30 and
by 10:00a.m. I was walking out the door last paycheck in hand with the words
“you are no longer Dish material” ringing in my ears. Doing all I could do to
walk to my car with my head held high only to fall apart the moment I got in
and closed the door. I don’t really remember the drive home that day as
everything was such a blear and felt so unreal. I remember getting home and
just sitting on my bed and sobbing because I didn’t know what to do, I had
gotten fired from my job and I had bills to pay, the feeling that I had failed
sitting on my shoulders, and dealing with the fact that I had to tell my family
that I had gotten fired that I had failed. To be honest that was the one word
that stuck with me more then anything I HAD FAILED!!!!. There was no other way
to look at it that day. If there was anything that sucked more then being fired
that day I think it was having to go and tell my family that I had been fired I
was very afraid of what they would say what they would think I was so afraid
that by this happening I would be letting down so many people. I didn’t have
the best mindset back then, I was so unhappy with who I was, who I was becoming
my life the way I looked everything. I was so depressed that all I wanted to do
was sleep my life away, I wasn’t able to find the joy in coaching anymore,
people really didn’t want to be around me and looking back I can’t blame them I
was losing who I was, or better yet I had lost who I was. I really wasn’t
anyone I was a body a zombie with out the whole eating brains and all of that. My
life was dark and I knew that but I didn’t know how to change that, how to make
it better so instead of trying to make it better I let myself go because it was
easier to just sit back and do nothing then to fight for what I wanted.
So here I am a year later feeling amazing with who I am, I
have lost weight, I know what its like to be happy again, to laugh and I mean
really laugh and find the “joy’s of life” if you will. I have really been able
to spend the last year just really looking at who I am, who I had become and
who I want to be. I have done more self reflecting in this past year then I
have ever done in my whole life and the crazy thing about it is I have put the
majority of this experience down in writing and have put it up on the web for
the world to see. Yet I think there are something that I have not touched on
and if I have I’m going to repeat it, because I feel that its important some
times you need to look back and reflect to remind your self where your though
process came from and where you want it to go, I feel that is the only way to
grow.
So here are some of the highlights I have found out about
myself in the past year.
1. I
have spent so many years trying to “Keep up with the Jones’s” so to speak, and
by this I mean that I have spent so much of my time warring about what my
friends are going to think about me if I do this or do that. What are they
going to think if I can’t buy this or buy that. I was trying to just keep up
because it was always easier to like what they liked and do what they wanted to
do then it was to let my voice be heard. I was that friend who didn’t say no
even if I didn’t want to do it, I would still go out and do it just to keep up,
and when you spend so many years doing that, you lose who you are, you lose
your back bone and you can’t stand up for yourself any more. So what has
changed, I can say NO now, if I don’t want to do something it has become a lot
easier for me to say you know that’s not my thing. I do what I want to do, and
I know now that I don’t have to keep up with anyone but myself, and my true friends
will be there for me no matter what. I have a back bone again and with that
back bone comes confidence and that is truly an amazing feeling.
2. I
didn’t fail at anything last year, its more like that job ran its cores. I learned
a lot and meet some great people some of which I still hang out with, but it’s
the way I look at things now. A year ago to me everything was measured in
failure and success, but life can’t be measured by that. I look at life now as
lessoned learn and goals accomplished. My though process has changed life is
not negative unless you make it negative, a positive attitude can make a world
of difference.
3. It’s
ok to cry and let people in and asks for help. Ok the asking for help is still
a little hard for me, but I do ask for help when I know that I needed it, but
yes it is ok to cry and to let people into my life. I have been so afraid to
get hurt again, and so afraid that if people saw me crying that they would
think I’m weak. Yet in truth its total the opposite, I cry I tend to cry a lot
its total better to let those emotions out then to keep them in, and I know I’m
not weak by any means I am a very strong person who can ask for help when I
need it. As for letting people in getting hurt sucks, but I know that you have
to let people in take a chance, yes I might get hurt again, but that’s ok it’s
a chance I’m willing to take. You can’t get any where if your not will to take
a chance and get back up after you fall.
4. I
have also found out that I’m a little artistic and funny …or at least that is
what people have told me…but I laugh at myself a lot so I guess that would mean I’m funny. I love taking pictures, the
world looks amazing through a camera lens it’s the one place where you can
capture a moment and a feeling with a click of a button. It also lets me see
the world in a different light and I love it. Then to take those pictures and
edit them come up with creative ways to put these photos together edit the way
they look. Make a movie out of them and then to have people watch them and see
their emotion while they are watching and to know that I did that I created
that emotion they are feeling by taking pictures, finding the right songs to go
with it. Its amazing and its open my eyes to so many things and I want to create
so many different things. Yet with out this past year I don’t think that I
really would have been able to find that passion.
This past year has been an eye opener and a lot of soul
searching has been done as well. That day that I got fired while I was sitting
on my bed I had my song turned up full blast, and if you have been fallowing
these post I’m sure you can guess that it is a 30 Seconds to Mars song and
“Closer To The Edge” is “my song” and no matter what the lyrics that have
always stuck with me during that song are “I will never forget, I will never regret,
I will live my life.” I will never
forget that feeling I had that day, and who I was back then, and I will never
regret what paths lead me to that day and what I have done to lead me to this
point, and most of all I will live my life the way I want to live me life and
yes I want to live it a little “Closer To The Edge”. I am a shy person, who
loves to sing at the top of my lungs good or bad I love to sing. I maybe shy
but I want my art to stand out and share this experience with the world through
my writing. I’m a little wired and that’s ok, I got fired and its cool, I am
total confused when it comes to matters of the heart and yet I’m ok with the
fact that I’m almost 30 still single and have no thoughts about having kids.
I’m also ok with the fact that my hair is going gray, All of these things a
year ago would have bothered me I would have been ashamed by them, and yet now
this is who I am, and to think that it took getting fired a year ago and
countless nights of crying and self reflection to get to this point. I will
always say that it sucks to say that I got fired, but it truly was the best
thing that could have ever happened to me. I get a chance to change my path and
I’m going to do it my way this time. Life is way to short to be some one else.
So this is what I purpose to all my readers for the month of
November be who you want to be, find that thing you have always wanted to do
and do it, don’t worry about what other people think, all that matters is what
you think and how you feel. Some people do no shave November, lets do no shame
November don’t be ashamed of who you are don’t hide who you are, because you
are amazing no matter what anyone thinks. So get out there stay with in the legal
limits and do what you want to do, be who you want to be and lets have a great
no shame November, and if your willing to share I would love to see what your
doing, and I will start with mine…I’m want to write a movie script for this
idea and storyline I have, I have never done this before and it might go very
wrong, but you know what I don’t care this is what I want to do, and I love
these things and I have no shame in doing what I’m passionate about even if I
don’t know what I’m doing.
SO hope to hear back, and have a great November
N. McKnight out.
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