It’s that wonderful time of year again, we get
to pack up the big bulky clothes and bring out the tank tops, shorts and flip
flops, and lets not forget the sundresses as well. This also means that people
are coming out of hibernation and going back out to the clubs. I will say I do
the same thing, my girls and I don’t really go out all that much during the
winter, but when the weather becomes nice where all about going dancing.
Now I’m going
to say this and it may sound mean but it’s the truth…. here it goes everyone
has a “fat friend” and I mean everyone.
Even the skinny bitches that only hang out with other skinny bitches have
“fat friends”. A Skinny girls fat friend
is the one who is a size 6 compared to all the other size 4s..,aka the “fat friend”. Now if your saying to yourself “I don’t have
a fat friend” chances are you’re the ‘fat friend”. Even “fat friends” have “fat friends who have
“fat friends”. Ladies we all know this is true so there is no reason to try and
deny this point. I can safely say in my
group I’m the “fat friend” and I’m ok with this because there are some benefits
to having a “fat friend” and being the “fat friend”, and here they are:
1. Your
skinny friends always know that they have back up
2. The
girls who think that their tough shit and want to talk shit to you and your
friends will take one look at your “fat friend” and will normally walk away in
fear that your “FF” will kick her ass.
3. Now
if you are the “FF” and you can shake your butt, are cute and have a big chest
its free drinks for you and your friends….Yes myself and my partners in crime
have used this to our advantage many times and we will as long as it keeps
working.
Now I bring all of this up because
of my skinny friends lets just call them AB and SB these two ladies are my
normal partners in crime and it never fails something crazy will happen when we
close down a bar. Before I get started
on that…Hold on I need to get on my soap box.
Lets talk about what to wear. You
know when you have true friends when you put something on and ask if you look
ok in this they will tell me the TRUTH. Ladies if your friends ask you if they
look ok and their your “FF” please tell them the truth I’m sorry but girls nothing
looks good when you are wearing something that is to small or too tight and
letting your chub rub show. To start no one wants to see that, you may think
you look sexy and your friends might have told you, you look sexy, but the
truth is you don’t and your friends SUCK because they should have never let you
leave the house in that look. Second
come on now an chubby girl knows that if your chub rub is rubbing and its hot
out you’re chaffing. So lets try something new this clubbing season and stop
lying to our friends about how they look and wear the right clothes. We can all
look sexy and not let the rolls show, and skinny girls, yes you are right, you
can get away with wearing the tight skirt and the short shirt with the hooker
heals, but ladies please wear something underneath that skirt no one wants to
see your world on the dance floor. We have
a word for that its call SLUT. Ok. I am finished with the soapbox. Luckily AB & SB tell me when I am
presentable enough to leave the house, they don’t mind being seen with a “FF”
but not one in an ugly outfit.
Wait
I forgot one more soapbox item….I was in the mall the other day and I saw a
girl who had to be maybe fifteen or sixteen dressed like a whore, in a tight
pink miniskirt that might have been a tube top for all I know, with a bright pink
shirt coming off the shoulder that was cute in the back so you could see her
black bra, heels, big sunglass and her hair done up Jersey Shore style. Now I saw
this girl and my first reaction was if that girl was my daughter going out
looking like that she would have been grounded and never see the light of
day…that’s when I realized how old I was, but also I noticed that all of the
boys and older men where looking at this girl, and again really what are you
trying to say that “Hello I’m easy please come and screw me” Serious girls get
your heads out your asses learn to dress sexy with out looking like you should
be walking Colfax looking for your next car to get in….Ok I’m done, really.
Anyway this past weekend going out
with the girls, now I will say we all looked a little funny when we went out as
AB and SB where in onezys pj’s and I had a press pass that said Nikki Burgundy
on it, we know that we looked crazy as we had just come from Beer Olympics. When
we go dancing we are out their having fun, not trying to show off our moves,
not trying to get anyone to dance with us, heck for that matter we are normally
watching other people on the dance floor and if your dancing crazy more likely than
not we might try to reenact what you are doing.
If you’re a girl who thinks she is hot shit on the dance floor and believe
you own the floor, I can guaranty that we are watching you and possibly laugh
at you while your dancing. Why? I feel
that if you are trying to own the floor you’re asking to be judged, I’m just
saying.
Now having given you my views let
me tell you about this girl that night at the bar doing just that and yes she
had a fat friend with her, in clothes that I’m sure her friend said she looked
really good in, that she lied to her. So here we are dancing and this girl is shit
talking to AB and SB. So of course the
girls do what they do best… copy her dancing.
The problem with this the drunk girl notices and pretends to punch AB in
the back of head and thought she was tough shit until she realizes I was
watching her, because I got my girls back and the other girl danced back to he
friends very quickly. Now at this point AB, SB and I are laughing because
really… is about all you can say.
As the night goes on I loosen up start shaking
my grove thing, and I will say I may be fat but I can shake my money maker with
the best of them, and I notice this girl is trying to make fun of how we are
dancing and judge us…first of all honey don’t try and judge use we are masters
and if you make the attempt don’t let me catch you. Now this girl thinks its
time for a dance off, never a good thing. So this girl tries to out dance SB,
well that is never going to happen SB can dance like Beyonce and the best this
girl could come up with is doing Zumba moves, again sorry honey but not going
to work, then she tries to dance off with AB and gets pissed because I’m sure
that AB is black from the waist down and the last thing you want to do is booty
shake against her, she will kick your ass, and she did, then the girl punched
her in the face. Now here is the
difference between AB’s fat friend and the other girl’s fat friend, I was
watching to see what my next move was going to have to be…I was ready to throw
down the other “FF” was fading away into the crowed. Again, I go back to my statement of your
skinny friends always know their fat friend has their back, as long as they
tell their fat friend that they look like crap and don’t let them go out into
public looking like the ugly “FF”. Needless
to say sometimes we are older and wiser and did not start a big fight. Instead
we let the bouncer to his job made the drunk girl walk away and well we laughed
at the whole event. Shortly after that
whole event it was time to leave and I think the dancing queen wanted to say
something more to us until her friends made her walk faster out of the club. Another thing fat friends are good for, they
sometimes are the mom’s if the group.
Now I wish I could say our night
ended there but it didn’t we got hit on by some guys coming out of the bar I
was even told that one of them loved me even though I was being a bitch to him
because well he was drunk and I didn’t want to deal with it. Then AB was swing
on a pole and the Cops pulled us over for swinging and walking, and told us
that if it had broke then it would have been a crime, really the officer was
telling AB that she was fat in not so many words. I’m sure we would have asked
him but he did threaten to take us to detoxic if we said one more word. You
know that saying “nothing good ever happens after midnight” this is a very true
point, but there is also a saying that “your friends will bail you out of jail,
however, your true friends are the one’s sitting next to you in the jail cell
laughing” also a true statement except we were not in jail just sitting on the
curb.
So really to sum up everything, its
time to hit the clubs wear sexy clothes that look good on you, don’t lie to
your friends in hopes you will look better it never works out. Everyone has a
“fat friend” that has your back unless you lie to them and say that they look
good and let them go out in public look bad, oh yeah and don’t be that girl who
takes up the whole floor and then get pissed when someone can out booty shake
you because more then likely it will AB and I will be laughing my ass off at
the whole thing.
Tell next time
Fat
Friend out
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